A drawing I did of Norman Reedus...

As Daryl Dixon :-D From The Walking Dead.

Nx

Quick snap :-D

Me :-D
Nx

HAHAHAHA XD

Currently reading.

Currently Reading. 

Richard Laymon's Beware!

So I've finished The Ring by Koji Suzuki, which was pretty awesome I have to say. I've been reading it in tiny portions since I really do like to sleep at night! The American version didn't do the book justice at all, though it was scary in it's own right. 

Now I'm reading Richard Laymon again, I've read one or two of his before and I really liked them, (can't remember one of them, I read a lot!) the last one was Island. I recommend you give that one a read, it's really good and extremely addictive. The ending is a twist that I didn't see coming and I'm usually really good at predicting them! 

So far into Beware! I am really intrigued. The story is about a strange cult and an invisible murderous man, that are somehow connected. I won't go too much into the story in case I give too much away. I'm only half way through but I really want to see  how this pans out and how the two stories in the book are interwoven. It's really good read so far, will update when I'm done! 

NX 

Editing is done.

So, I'm nearly there. 

Gah!

And we're on to the book cover stage, which my dear friend is helping me with at the moment and I'm having a look at other horror covers at the moment for inspiration. Then it's Amazon/Kobo etc. ready. Very scary but exciting. 

I used to worry that only one person liked it but then I realised that it doesn't matter so much, just the fact that I've done something I've always wanted to do. It's more of a personal achievement than anything else, when you've sat ruminating over things for years on end, you realise just how much little accomplishments matter. 

Also setting up a website for my image restoration soon, thought I'd have a go at charging for the work that I do. That will be interesting. It's a big risk but then again, so is everything. If you don't try, you never know. 

I'll keep you updated as I go! 

NX 

Hello :3

Shameless picture of me with new darker hair....boring I know, I'll try to take one during a dragon fight or something next time xD 

NX 

Hope you guys...

...are all safe and well tonight when the storm approaches. Apparently it's gonna be a bit worse in the lower parts of England so I hope all my friends and family in Wales etc. are okay. Stay indoors, get some emergency candles and don't go sky-diving until the storms passed! 

Much love, 

NX 

Progress Report.

So I've sent Plagued off to an editor since I am self-publishing on Amazon and other ebook publishers.

I decided to do that because the publishing industry is still a little out of my depth at the moment and I've heard some good things about this being a good way into the industry. Of course, the book could be pants and flop but at this point, I don't care. If you don't try, you don't get. It's all progress.

I'm really nervous and excited to be in the editing stage and I found mine through Elance.com, which is amazing as I can view other work that's been done by the freelancers and their reviews of that work. I'm thinking about advertising my own services as an image restorer on there and also to do some freelance writing.

So, it's an exciting yet nervous time in the Nik household, it's scary to put yourself out there without knowing what's going to happen, but it's also exciting as it's completely new to me.

Hope you guys are all well and enjoy your weekend!
NX

Something for the eyes today.

Was doing some research for interesting places for my next novel when I came across this site; Mesa Verde in Colorado and some really awesome cliff dwellings, so I thought I'd share. We live on a beautiful planet, don't we? :) 

NX 

Quick post.

To say I'm reading Clive Barker's Hellbound Heart and - after looking at the cover and not realising what film was based on the book - I realise I'll never be a detective. This is the cover:

Yup, that's right, it's Hellraiser. I didn't get that, though it was 11.30pm so I guess my brain switches off that late. I've read a few pages in and it's only when the book described one of the Cenobites (nope, the word Cenobite didn't give me a clue either :/) that I realised it was Pinhead. I haven't mentioned this before but Hellraiser really scares me, I can't explain exactly why but it does. So the book has now become a lot scarier to me - which, in true Nik style - makes me want to read it ten times more xD 

It's my first Clive Barker book and I love my horror so I'm excited about it. Will do a little review when I've finished it :D 

P.S. If you guys have any more good horror novelists, let me know :D 

NX 

What I've learned about relationships and love - by a former hopeless romantic.

What I've Learned About Love. 

By A Former 'Hopeless Romantic' 

I've blogged about loads of things here: games, games, games, anxiety, how much people annoy me, the weather etc. but I've not blogged about love or my relationship  for a long time, probably because I haven't had anything to moan about in a while. So I thought I would, given that in the past 8 months I've had a complete and utter turn around on where I stand on the subject, have a go at explaining to you what I've learned since.

Hopeless Romance is just a fancy term for selfishness.

So let me start with this; a 'hopeless romantic' female is usually a selfish one. You say you want a guy who showers you with roses or presents, opens doors for you and throws his jacket on a puddle so you can cross? Fair enough, but for that to be plausible and not selfish, you're gonna have to either do some pretty awesome things for him every single day or be really REALLY good in the sack. I used to want all those things from a guy until I realised that it's bloody hard work! How can I expect him to do that for me when I wouldn't be willing to that for any bloke? What makes me so special to deserve that?

There isn't a single guy in the world that would rather do that for a girl who was specifically looking for that kind of treatment. Guys used to do it because they wanted to, not because you expected them to do it. So next time you come across a muddy puddle, step over it.

That's the wake-up call that I've had this year. What I looked for in guys up to 3 years ago was ridiculous; first you've got a specific look in mind for your future partner (who is usually higher in the looks department than you are), specific traits like being funny, being 'sensitive' (which is a nicer way of saying he will let you get away with crying all the time and boss him around when you're PMSing) but also being masculine enough to defend you, should a masked attacker break his way into your house.

Here's an example of what I used to look for:

A dark haired, rugged, extremely good looking man who is taller than me, has abs and an arse to die for, is sensitive yet masculine, has a great sense of humour, is mature but not boring, got to know how to play video games and dresses exactly like Jensen Ackles in Supernatural (....or IS Jensen Ackles from Supernatural), he's got to like animals, doesn't use drugs or drinks too much but he's also social enough to take me out whenever I want to go. He buys me stuff without me asking, earns a good income and wants to have children one day and is pro-marriage and can't be toothless.

I bet that's about as long as every girl's expectations in the man department and maybe you all think that it's fair to be this discerning about what you want in a man but let's look again; the guy I've just described up there would be a perfect man. So let's pretend for a second that there's even one guy out there that's like that and let's ask him what he wants in a girl. I will bet you all the tea in my cupboard that he isn't going to say:

"I want a 26 year old woman who is thin but has never worked out a day in her life so certain parts of her body are a but wobblier than they should be and has cellulite. She's so pale that she's nearly invisible and I want her to be so anxious that she can't leave the house some days, not to have a job and didn't leave home until she was 25. She should be social awkward, wears jeans and trainers every day and is uncomfortable wearing a dress, shaves her legs every three days so they're cactus like for two. She snorts when she laughs, swears too much, sometimes forgets to flush the loo after having a wee and will scream at me for even killing an ant. I want her to have IBS, eat way too much garlic and cheese, spend far too much time on computer games and Facebook and never ever back down from an argument even if she's wrong. That's my perfect girl."

Doesn't sound likely does it? So here's my point; ladies, you AREN'T AS PERFECT AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.

So here's where I am now, which is - and I'm being honest here - pretty damn good. 

I am in a three year relationship. Neither of us have rock hard abs, we don't spend a great deal of time doing romantic things for each other and sometimes he'll moan if I ask him to carry my shopping. But, we rarely argue, we talk every single day and make sure at least one day a week is spent doing something together, whether it's shopping, going for a walk, watching a film, game together or going out for a meal, the point is we spend it together.

We've had no whirlwind romance, we awkwardly got together by getting steaming drunk so that we weren't too nervous to talk to each other. But nearly three years on, we struggle spending even a day apart from each other. He doesn't buy me flowers every day, but he chooses to do it sometimes, which is a lovely surprise, but I don't expect it of him. He doesn't ask me to cook for him, but I do it because I want to, if I didn't, he'd do it.

We've had three family deaths in our relationship in three years so we've spent a lot of it crying, ( and that's not including my childhood dog, who passed away a few months before my mother did) we've spent a lot of it waiting for my panic attacks to die down and we've spent a lot of it exhausted. It's not The Notebook, it's not Twilight (though he is as hairy as a werewolf) but it's perfect enough for me.

We've had the occasional argument which lasts for ten minutes before we both apologize, regardless of who caused it, and go back to being okay. We don't like arguing, we don't always want to be right, we don't want each other to be perfect. We just want to be with each other because we are in love. It's a very simple love, it's not shiny or sparkly, but it's funny and it's comforting and I know that if he can, he will always be there for me. In fact, he wanted to be with me so much that two days after my mother's birthday a few months ago, he proposed to me and I said yes. (I knew he was up to something, he'd been avoiding my gaze for days, in fact I gave him a stern telling off the morning of the proposal to this effect, "Whatever the reason is for you ignoring me for the past few days, you can pack it in, because I know you're up to something and I don't like it." - thank God he ignored me!)

So there you go, we might a boring couple, we don't like to go out getting drunk every night and we're too skint to go on 3 holidays a year, but what ever we are, we're in it together. That's good enough for me.

NX

The Bear.

So as I'm checking out Writer's Digest for helpful articles, my dog, Bear is totally engaged in watching the RSPCA program on TV. Apparently she really agrees that people should have larger tanks/habitats for their pet snakes, who knew?

NX

Quick question.

Does anyone have a WordPress account? I've been told to get one and I can't find much information on them without signing up, are they any good? I gather they're a type of blog or something.

Today's Events.

So, I had my first of three Self-Employment lessons today at an Adult Learning centre. Since it's four hours long I was extremely nervous and unsure of whether my panic would let me stay calm for that long but after going, I realise that I can cope with a lot more of the 'normal world' than I first realised. It was fine; better than that, it was really good!

I really enjoyed it and as the first lesson was on confidence, motivation and assertiveness; I learned a great deal. I now understand how and why confidence is so important when becoming self-employed and I'm actually more confident about it being the right decision for me. Now I don't (yet) have many certified skills, because of my past history of extreme anxiety and depression, but I do have skills and it turns out that some of them; namely the photo restoration work I've been doing, as well as my writing, can actually be used as a business. I just need to catch and tame some confidence and motivation, which I'm working on now and I'm actually starting to feel like I might actually have a net big enough to do it!

Maybe this going out of the house thing isn't so bad after all ;-)

Have a great week guys, NX

Another step forward.

So I've received my manuscript back from Agent#1 with a basic 'no thanks' on it, but that hasn't deterred me since a bit of research has told me that he's notorious for two word responses. To be perfectly honest, I'm no that disappointed because I tried to do some research on him but I couldn't find anything at all. I would like to take the time to fully research my next agents before I send my novel again, just to make sure they're suitable for my needs.

I also know that horror is a niche market these days, but I'm not put off by that, it just means that room for some new guys (or girls). I'm also aware of just how little the percentage is of books that get published compared to books that are submitted, so I'm probably in the same boat as a lot of people right now. Kind of exciting actually, I'm one step further than I was this time last year. So now I'm off to A) do some research on literary agents and if I need one and then B) look for some that will take on horror writers.

Hope you guys have a good day :)

NX

Lot going on!

Hey guys, another update here:

There's a lot going on now; the manuscript has been sent off and I'm looking for more agents that I take a liking to if this one falls through. The guy who runs the Work programme I'm on (for people with problems getting and keeping work) has suggested it might be a good idea to go self-employed if I want to be a writer. He thinks that my work with image restoration could be a little business for me as I try to get into writing and that I could have been making money from it for a while. Truth is: I never even thought of that! I didn't really think I was good enough to do it but people keep telling me I am.

So I'm taking a course on self-employment in September (nervous!) and we're gonna see about taking a small course in Photoshop, just in case there's anything I miss and I can get a certificate in it.There's a lot to think about lately but that's good for me; the more I have to think about, the less I'll be thinking about panic attacks. Haha.

Had a pretty nervous day today, it hit me for no reason this afternoon and then I realised what it was; I had forgotten to eat breakfast four hours ago and my body was letting me know it does not approve. Strange reason to panic, I know. Then again, the microwave is a strange reason to panic but that didn't used to stop me xD Ah the mind of a neurotic person works in mysterious ways!

Update again when I have more, hope you guys are having a good week,

NX

Submission letter...

Done my synopsis for my manuscript's submission letter to the agents, now to write the letter itself. Very nervewracking since I have had a huge fear of the unknown which I'm working on now, spent too long procrastinating over this, it's time to finally give it a go.

Even if I get a million rejections, I will have come further than I ever have to doing something that I really want to do. It's a massive step forward and I won't let rejection stop me, everyone gets rejected to some extent, hopefully I will learn more as I go.

I'm learning new things this year, figure there's nothing stopping me, I'm also learning how to play the piano and read sheet music, well technically I'm teaching myself thanks to music books but I'd always wanted to learn the language of music but never had the concentration to try for long. Think my motto for this year should be, 'Never give up!'

Nx

p.s

Airplane 2 is really good for cheering you up when you're a bit down xD

Back!

I'm back again :)

It's been a while since I posted last, I've not really had much time for long blogs, I've had such a stressful few weeks that I thought it's better I left it otherwise I'd have just spend the past two weeks swearing about people. 

I did have a nice week when I bought Dishonoured, because it's nice to escape from the humdrum to do something interesting :P

 I'm currently trying to work up the courage to send off my submission letter to an agent (I finished the book) but with my confidence being at a low at the moment, I've been finding it really hard. 

I know that in May, I was on top of the world, I had just gotten engaged (not sure if I've mentioned that or not but yeah, he proposed) and so I'm bound to have a low period, which is what I'm going through now but everything's driving me crazy. 

I can't remember the last time I saw anyone around me actually smile. It's really bringing me down at the moment. I just want to grab my dog and take her to somewhere that's as far from here as I can. Just so I can be cheery and happy without someone bringing me down.

I'm having a hard enough time as it is trying to keep myself cheery with the HELL of a two weeks I've had; I've had to sort out so many problems that aren't anything to do with me, then come home to the same thing Every. Single. Night. and I keep getting this image of me doing the same thing every night for the next 40 years and it terrifies me to be honest xD No one even pretends to be happy. At least I try to look happier than I am XD 

Literally gave me a panic attack this afternoon. Are people supposed to feel like that about their lives? 

I'm thinking I need to do something to shake it up a bit, so I can feel happier with myself. First thing is getting this book sent off, the sooner I sort out my writing life, the sooner I can sort the rest of it out. 'Cos you need money for everything, I hear xD 

Dudes.

GOt a Facebook blog for all of you that's on there too. www.facebook.com/dovahniik

Also, get Thirty Seconds To Mars' new album when it's out in the next few days. Love, Lust, Faith + Dreams is amazing <3 nbsp="" p="">

Good first session of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Thought i would spell CBT out because people have been congratulating me on having my bike test haha xD I don't hate the world enough to drive on public roads, they don't deserve that xD

It was interesting, she wants to find out which anxiety disorder I'm suffering from at the moment; either health anxiety or Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or both. She says they treat them in different ways so I've got to see which I relate to more. Interesting. The exposure therapy works with some disorders but not others. My task is to not ask for reassurance this next few weeks when I'm feeling anxious, I literally have to ride it out by myself and can't ask anyone's advice because it makes it worse.

It's really scary to have a panic attack about something like thinking you've found some deadly health symptom and not checking it, Googling it or asking a family member about it. Basically I can't so anything that would cause it to go away, just gotta sit through it untold it ebbs away. Extremely hard but I'm giving it a go! Will write about my progress as I go. Hope you guys are well, NX

Off for my first session of CBT.

Thought it would do me some good lately with how things have been and with my anxiety acting up.

Need to learn how to speak my mind instead of being silent and letting people walk all over me. Had my first experience of it yesterday when I told someone who had been causing problems exactly what I thought of him. I felt guilty at first because I rarely speak badly to people but afterwards I felt better. It's a good feeling having more control of your own life and what you'll put up with.

So going to tell my CB Therapist that I have trouble with voicing my opinions and also about my anxiety, it gave me a lot of confidence last time I had CBT, and I got rid of a lot of things in my life that weren't going well. I felt so much better; free.

Hopefully I'll get that confidence back again. There's a lot going on at the moment and so I could use a spring clean :)

NX

Prison.

You know there's something wrong with our prison system when there's a program on prisoners and they preferred life inside prison rather than out. What happened to the days of bread and water and an empty cell? Do people that commit crimes deserve TV and luxuries?

Obviously the government thinks they do.

Favourite Quote of Charmed.

Dear Phoebe, If I'm dead right now, I know it was at your hand. No one else in heaven or hell had Power over me. Please, don't cry. I was dead before I met you. I was born the day you loved me. And my love for you will keep me alive... Forever Love, Cole

As soon as I posted that...

It came on the news that they'd found a body in the collapsed house in Cornwall. How awful. Thoughts go out to her family, who were in the house with her. :(

My thoughts...

Go out to the poor woman they think is trapped inside a collapsed house in Cornwall in this weather.

I've been gone a while.

This is thanks to Tomb Raider and it's awesomeness, also due to continuing with my novel writing, which is scarily close to completion. Very nerve wracking but exciting at the same time, at least once it's done I can find out if it's a pile of shite or not xD 

I'm starting to feel calmer now, the anxiety has disappeared for a while so I can relax, thought I'd make the most of it! Got some cognitive behavioural therapy booked for later this month, hopefully will teach me how to cope a little better. It really worked 3 years ago so I'm thinking a refresher course will make all the difference. 

Now the anxiety is going down, my other life problems don't seem so bad. Well, some of them are still there, I just realised that I can cope no matter what happens. I've got through worse, when mum died in December, I didn't think I'd ever get through. The most important person in my life had gone, but I have come out the other side and none of the other life problems I have are ever going to come close to feeling like that. So I can relax now. Might as well make the most of it. 

So I've been spending most of my time playing Tomb Raider, writing the novel and spending time with dad and Shirl, they're the only people that talk to me really xD didn't really have much of a life before December and I don't now XD Hoping to change that though :) 

Why be mildly happy if you can be really happy?.......or, if you win the Lotto, MEGA happy XD 

NX 

So my week so far...

Has been okay. Had the scan last week and after all that anxiety, the scan took four minutes and wasn't scary at all. So I treat myself by buying Tomb Raider for the XBOX!

I've been a massive Tomb Raider fan since the first one came out on Sega Saturn and I've been hooked ever since. There's nothing I love more, including 30 Seconds To Mars and we know how much I love them! I never liked the new company after Core Design closed and sold TR to Crystal Dynamics, the new games seemed rather Americanized and it lost its darkness and edge. But Square Enix have come in and brought her back with a vengeance!

This new one is awesome, I literally can't stop playing it once I've started and I've fallen in love with Lara Croft all over again. She was my idol growing up. A strong woman who goes after what she wants...and she can climb like a spider monkey xD

So yeah, definitely give TR a go if you've been thinking about getting it, its worth the money!

I'll blog more about life and Lara soon!

NX

As I'm sat here...

Waiting for someone and reading my appointment letter for a CT scan on Thursday, thinking of all the horrible things they are going to find in my head; brain tumour, cancer, aneurysm etc. Even though they've told me they are 99.9% sure I'm fine....I just realised that I've spent my whole 26 years worrying about my life being cut short by illness or someone breaking my heart and leaving me alone, instead of actually living it.

I don't have much enjoyment in my life because I'm too wrapped up in my problems and worries....not to mention everyone else's....so what if I died tomorrow? My memories would be of me worrying about death or heartbreak. How boring is that?

Maybe I should forget about death for a while and stop being scared of someone breaking my heart and just live.

Doesn't have to be sky diving or bungee jumping but why not start with going out on a warm day like this and enjoying myself? Not thinking about health worries, or guilt for having fun and not letting people bring me down?

Sounds like a good start to me. I've been so worried about my health and a deteriorating relationship that I'm not living my life. Everyone else around me is, while I'm sat here waiting and worrying about the world. Well balls to them, I want to have some fun!

My health worries can bugger off, my relationship problems can join them and that spider that I know is in the bathroom but I can't find can leave me the Hell alone xD gonna be selfish for a while.

Live a little. Like the love of my life, Max Beesley (XD XD) says, we're here for a good time, not a long time.

Ps. Sorry about my bad spelling, wrote this on my phone....which hates me xD

NX

Resident Evil 6.

Just bought this for XBOX 360, I waited until I'd finished FarCry 3 *sobs* before starting this because I've been a HUGE RE fan for over 13 years.

I'm playing through Leon and Helena's campaign at the moment and am not that far into it. But I thought I'd give a quick review of what I've noticed so far.

The game itself is full of action. I suppose the other reviews I've seen are marginally correct that it's not a survival horror. But in some ways they are also wrong; just because it's got action it in, doesn't mean it's not survival horror. There are still some shocks and scares and I'm only an hour in. Plus the fact that they are actually trying to survive in Raccoon City. Which is extremely difficult since there are MUCH more zombies than in the old days. Yes, it's true that it's not as slow-paced and atmospheric as the old RE's and that has left it a little lacking compared to the classics, but if you want a more thrilling, shoot 'em up experience then you'll be pleasantly surprised.

As an old-school RE fan I am a little disappointed that there are no quiet moments of exploring so far, since those are the parts that give you a breather and really let the suspense set in, but I'm a modern girl and I understand that if they had kept the same story and game style all this time, people would be complaining about the lack of change. In the end, you just can't win with critics.

But, I'm playing co-op by the way,  the really cool action scenes do add tension in their own way and you never get a moment to cower and reload. Which is kind of irritating in the start of the game because the inventory isn't as good as it was in RE5, it takes a little getting used to and you really don't get the time to do that. So you might just end up reading the little booklet that comes with the game  for hints and tips on the control scheme and inventory system. It's not too bad but I prefer to be able to see all my items at once to combine things and equip weapons, not to have to cycle through them. Most of the time, you cycle to something you don't want in the midst of a panic; like a grenade and then blow yourself up instead of the first aid spray that you actually wanted. Yes I know that many people didn't like the RE5 system but I did. It was very classic RE style and that was good with me.

Hopefully once I'm used to fumbling around in my items menu, I will appreciate it a little more...though I doubt it.

Besides that, the gameplay is very RE5 style and that i'm thankful for as I really liked it, nearly as much as the old fixed camera style. They've updated it a little and it feels a lot more slick and easy to use. It's also possible to change the shoulder you view over, so you don't have to relearn how to play from the right side of the screen if you choose another character (e.i. Sheva's side of the screen, if you played RE5) which is great. The graphics are beautiful and there are no complaints there from me, although Capcom have always delivered that.

Since I'm only a small portion into the game, I won't comment on the storyline although I have no bad predictions for it, since RE is always packed with twists and shocks and I bloody love it.

Little disappointed to find out that Chris's partner isn't Jill, it seems, but I'm hoping there will be a few scenes with her in or something, because I've missed her over the past few games!

Leon is looking as good as ever, and I find myself hating Helena for being with him, which just means that Capcom have done a good job with Leon! ;) And I suppose I'll be this catty for Chris too.

Co-op play is really good, we enjoyed our night of it last night and even though I died a hundred times; mostly getting hit by trains or renegade ambulances, I really liked it. I would like it to have a few more moments of quiet time though, it does seem to jump from one action scene to another without break and that might get a little monotonous after a while. But I have high hopes so far and I love the old-style zombie is back in Leon's campaign, I missed those guys!

So this far in, I will say it has a four star rating but that could change as time goes on and I play more!

Will update later on once I've geeked out for a while!

UPDATE:

Got to my first puzzle this afternoon, I read in other reviews that there aren't any...I guess you can't believe everything you hear! It's going up in my books now I'm getting the hang of the inventory, I'll say four and half stars out of five so far! :D

NX

Ups and downs.

Well, start of the week was a bad one. My anxiety was really bad for three days and I couldn't stop myself thinking I was having a heart attack or something. Went to the doctors and upped my dose a little, but I don't want to stay on a higher dose so I'm using this time to read my Worry Cure by DR Robert Leahy book. It's basically cognitive therapy in a book and is really helping me at the moment.

It explains everything to you very simply and can give you some real insight into how the brain works and how a worrier's brain can go from a simple worry to a devastating one in seconds. I recommend it to anyone who is struggling to understand their anxiety.

Mine apparently comes from my inferiority complex and also because I tend to do the worst things you can do when you're anxious, catastrophize everything that comes into your head. Which I do, a lot. Those little aches and pains or worries get catapulted into the worst possible scenario and instead of your brain telling you that it's very unlikely, like a normal person's brain would, it tells you that for you, it's extremely likely.

The journey is getting back to reality, stop yourself looking through your 'disaster lenses' and see the world how it really is, also seeing yourself as you really are. A normal person with the same chances as everyone else. There is nothing about me that makes me more likely to have something devastatingly bad happen to me over and over again. I will go through the same pains as everyone else, but also the same happy moments. Which I'm trying to concentrate on at the moment.

It's not positive thinking that I'm trying to do, it's rational thinking. Good things are as likely to happen to you as bad ones. It's just hard to see that way after something so horrible as your mother dying. But I will get there. It will be a long journey and the next few weeks/months might be hard but I have been through worse than panic attacks.

I recommend reading a little of the book a day, maybe at night like me and using the tables and charts in the book whenever you can. It gives you a better sense of reality and a good idea of your own weaknesses; which part of you needs the most work and which doesn't.

But, you have to want it. You have to have the willpower to pull yourself out of the black hole that anxiety puts you in, it's hard and extremely tiring but you can do it. If I can, anyone can.

NX

Quick blog at dads.

Well we've got another day of snow, I know it's a pain for some but it makes everything absolutely beautiful. Especially on the trees behind the house. I keep meaning to get out there with my camera before it melts but I forget. There's icicles on everything as well, and I may be being immature here but I bloody love icicles xD I put one down the back of Ben's jeans the other day, he wasn't as impressed with it as I was xD

Dad's having a nap and Chuck, his Patterdale is trying to get freaky with my leg thanks to my dog coming into season. Many male dogs have been watching me closely the last few days because of Bear's scent. It's un-nerving XD

Not feeling too badly today, my stomach is still healing nicely and I haven't had a panic attack in....God I can't remember, 4 days? That is astounding to me.

Will update again soon!

NX 

The British.

People from other countries keep saying that we must be weather hardened from the extremes in weather we have. But it's the complete opposite. We've got a couple of inches of snow at the moment, which didn't surprise me considering its winter. But people are acting like they've never seen it before. They've been stocking up on bread and milk like it's the end of the world xD

Schools and places like that have closed and the Facebook statuses about how chaotic it is make me laugh. I wonder how well we'd do if we had to live in Alaska or anywhere in the North Pole, places where it snows constantly and the temperatures make our -1 look like summer.

Nobody is ever prepared for winter here, which is surprising considering we have one every single year. Every year the news calls it "Britain's Big Freeze". Watch Day After Tomorrow and then you'll see a big freeze! xD

But it's not just winter we moan at it. It's the summer too! It's either too hot or too cold, there's no middle ground with us. I guess the truth is, the British just LOVE to moan xD

I am actually enjoying this snow, it's a nice change from constant rain and it actually feels like winter now. Plus it makes the coming spring and summer really nice. Yeah it's a little more difficult to get around and you really have to help out the elderly but it doesn't last that long so you might as well make the most of it.

Plus there's  the added fact that we have two dogs at a year and a half old and they're bloody loving the snow, it's so nice to see. Especially Bear who frolics in it xD And I finally get the chance to use my snow boots, which I bought in preparation for the winter. They are awesome btw.

The only downside to winter is how pale I get. If I get any paler, people will start making the sign of the cross at me when I walk past XD

Grief Update.

So, with my stomach problems getting sorted out and my stomach having the chance to heal, I'm feeling much more positive about things.

It's near enough a month on from my mother dying and the difference in my attitude and feelings is unbelievable.

Obviously it still hurts, it's heart-breaking but my mind is now finally starting to process what's happened. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Mum hasn't phoned in a while." and laugh at myself. It hurts to be reminded that she's not here but it's nice to know I'm still thinking about her. I think I always will be wondering when she's going to phone or come up to the flat because that's what I've been used to for 26 years. It's fine with me. I like missing her, it reminds me just how much she meant to me.

Everyone else is doing okay too, some of the family are having a hard time with forgetting how it happened but I keep trying to tell them not to focus on that any more. Finding out more about why she died isn't going to make a damn bit of difference. It doesn't hurt to learn more about it, just don't go over it twenty times a day trying to look for closure. That's not the place to find it.

The place to find closure is in your heart. You know that she's gone from our physical world but in our hearts and heads, she's going to be with us forever. We all got the chance to say goodbye at the funeral and put her to rest. Closure is also knowing that there isn't one part of what happened that is anyone's fault. No one could stop it and people  die of random things every single day. It's part of our life on this planet.

The thing to remember in grief is that you got to spend time with your loved one before they died. You laughed together and cried together, and if your loved one was like my mother, was so embarrassed by something that they said that you wanted to just dig a hole and hide in it! Haha. Every memory you have of that person is now a gift to you from your loved one. Whether it be good or bad.

I spent 26 years knowing my mum and there isn't one part of those times that I would change. She made me who I am today and in that fact, I know she's still with me. She had a great life, full of laughter and I am thankful for that. I hope to make my life as full of happiness as hers was.

Also, if you are grieving too, a blog can really help. Yes it will be very depressing from time to time but who cares? A blog or diary can be good for you, it helps to come to terms with things and sometimes people's comments and advice can be a God-send.

Also remember that whoever and where ever you are, you are not alone.

NX

Update on Stomach Problems.

So I went to the doctors last week about my stomach and she told me that it was most likely acid reflux due to the high stress situation I'm in and has prescribed me a months worth of Ranitidine.

Was a bit skeptical that it would work but even the first day I took it, there was a MASSIVE improvement. And another strange outcome from it; I have only had 3 panic attacks in a week...which for me is unbelievable. I used to have more than that every single day!

The pain in my stomach is easing nicely, I have to go back in three weeks to see if it's gone completely or if my anxiety situation needs reviewing since it's obviously that that is causing it.

Actually, I've not only felt better than I have since mum died, but I feel physically and mentally better than I have in months. The stomach pain must have been going on for at least six months because my stomach hasn't felt this calm or painless since the summer of last year. I must have just got used to the pain.

I'm going to mention the amazing effects this medication has had on my health and hopefully there'll be a look into why my stomach reacts this way. Obviously it needs to be dealt with because I think I was very close to getting a stomach ulcer, the pain was excruciating and I really don't want to have to go back to how it felt the past six months or so.

Because I haven't any physical ailments for my brain to focus on, my health anxiety is very low. I haven't thought about aches and pains in the past few days and it's given me more time to think about other things and just cope with the grief without having to cope with panic attacks as well.

I'm assuming that my panic attacks not only have emotional triggers, like going to certain places etc. but physical ones as well, like stomach pain.

I suppose it's true that stress can cause a lot of problems health-wise. I'll never argue that fact again!

For those who haven't heard of Ranitidine, it's basically a tablet you take twice a day that reduces the amount of acid in your stomach that's being produced and it seems to stop it going back up the gullet and up to the throat. It really is amazing stuff and if you have acid problems, I really recommend you give it a try. I've not had this much energy in months.

If I'd have known that it was so simple to get help for it, I would have done it
much sooner!

I'll do a grief update in a seperate post.

NX

Wednesday :D

...is looking good to start with. Dad's been up with Chuck and he's been shopping, he went out last night to play bingo and stayed out 'til 11! Haha, you know that things are getting better when your father has a more active social life than you do xD 

It's really lightened my heart to see him getting on with things, what a strong man! Obviously it still hurts but he's just pushing on, really gives me the strength to do the same thing. 

My other dad had to go through the same thing a year or two ago and he's got through it, so I know it can be done. Got some really strong people around me and it makes me feel so much better. I used to think that if I lost a parent I would be a quivering wreck of a person and I wouldn't be able to cope with life but actually it's the opposite, I'm coping okay. 

Maybe I've got some hidden confidence that I didn't know about before. Panic attacks are down to one a day  from around eight. Which is a very strange feeling, it actually made me panic wondering why I wasn't panicking! haha. Typical Nik logic. 

The only downside I've had so far is my stomach. It's been in agony with all the tension and lack of food. I've gone from 10 stone 6 pounds down to 9 stone and 11 pounds. It's bound to have happened and now I've stopped worrying about it. More food is going down and it's slowly getting less painful to eat. I started thinking I'd got something wrong with me but I've fought that, it's bound to hurt when I was anxious for two weeks and not eating.

The first step to my health anxiety worries is going to be coping with the idea of death. Which I'm trying to do, the second is allowing myself to ignore every little pain I get. I don't think that a little muscle twitch every now and again is going to kill me. I need to get over that. I've got a little stomach ache from tensing it up and not eating, I've had it a thousand times before and it's been fine. Sometimes my doctor tells me off for worrying about it XD 

OMG, Hugh Jackman just came on the TV, I have to do, I've got some drooling to do :D 

NX 

Third Week On.

Hey guys,

in my third week since mum died. It's getting easier, still crying at random intervals but I'm starting to cope with the idea that her body is gone. Part of her spirit is locked safely in my heart and I will never feel alone because of that. She's always here, telling me to eat more and not get drunk. Haha.

My anxiety was horrible last week, gave myself an extremely painful stomach and esophagus from the panicking and then I convinced myself I'd got an ulcer or a rupture....health anxiety sucks arse. Turns out I wasn't eating enough and panicking too much and it was getting sore.

Going to the doctors on Friday to see if they can give me some better anti-acid medication than the expensive crap I've been buying and just to let them know what I'm going through etc. It will be the first time going to the doctors without mum for moral support. But I can handle it. Been through worse haven't I?

Dad is coping well, much better than I expected. He's basically doing the same as me, sleeping a bit, watching some TV and relaxing, like me, he hates going over what happened again and again because there's no point in dwelling. Life goes on and this kind of thing makes you realize just how precious life is. We've got to live it. We'll never forget her, she's my best mate, but there was more to her life than just that last day. That's the stuff to remember.


What I've learned so far: 

Grief is shit. It's living Hell but it certainly gives you clarity.

I'm terrified of dying at the moment, thanks to my health anxiety but it's easing every day now. Think my anxiety is coming to terms with things as well and my brain is basically saying to me that worrying about it isn't going to change it, I'm going to die one day, whether I cry about it or not. So I'm choosing not to.

Another thing is that when you're grieving, you do and think some very strange things. All are perfectly normal.

Some of the family have seen mum, some of us have heard her and others are still numbed by it and still can't believe she's gone. I worried about these things for a while but I did some research on grief and all things are perfectly normal.

I think it's your brains way of coming to terms with a mind shock like a close death. So just go with it. Just keep trying to get through each day and not thinking too far into the future and you should be okay. Don't be afraid to talk to people or even a doctor if you're worried, they've probably seen your pain a thousand times over and know that there's nothing to worry about. You aren't going crazy.....unless you are already crazy. xD

As you can tell, my really unfunny sense of humour is coming back, the only people that laugh are my dads but that's because they've got the same sense of humour too xD

 Also, just to say, do not be afraid to get some time to yourself. Or even go out and get a bit drunk once in a while, people always say drinking doesn't solve your problems but if you're in a situation like this, any time to let your hair down is a good thing. Just don't do it every single day. Do something you enjoy and if you get the grief guilt, tell it to bugger off. That's what I'm doing.

Oh, I knit now xD that's what I've been doing when I'm nervous, just taking some time out to knit Chuck a toy. It's amazingly theraputic and anything that keeps your mind busy is a good thing.

FarCry 3 is another thing that is helping me, but my wrist hurts from writing and dad's dog is snoring behind me so I'll leave that for another day xD 

Take Care guys,

NX