Third Week On.

Hey guys,

in my third week since mum died. It's getting easier, still crying at random intervals but I'm starting to cope with the idea that her body is gone. Part of her spirit is locked safely in my heart and I will never feel alone because of that. She's always here, telling me to eat more and not get drunk. Haha.

My anxiety was horrible last week, gave myself an extremely painful stomach and esophagus from the panicking and then I convinced myself I'd got an ulcer or a rupture....health anxiety sucks arse. Turns out I wasn't eating enough and panicking too much and it was getting sore.

Going to the doctors on Friday to see if they can give me some better anti-acid medication than the expensive crap I've been buying and just to let them know what I'm going through etc. It will be the first time going to the doctors without mum for moral support. But I can handle it. Been through worse haven't I?

Dad is coping well, much better than I expected. He's basically doing the same as me, sleeping a bit, watching some TV and relaxing, like me, he hates going over what happened again and again because there's no point in dwelling. Life goes on and this kind of thing makes you realize just how precious life is. We've got to live it. We'll never forget her, she's my best mate, but there was more to her life than just that last day. That's the stuff to remember.


What I've learned so far: 

Grief is shit. It's living Hell but it certainly gives you clarity.

I'm terrified of dying at the moment, thanks to my health anxiety but it's easing every day now. Think my anxiety is coming to terms with things as well and my brain is basically saying to me that worrying about it isn't going to change it, I'm going to die one day, whether I cry about it or not. So I'm choosing not to.

Another thing is that when you're grieving, you do and think some very strange things. All are perfectly normal.

Some of the family have seen mum, some of us have heard her and others are still numbed by it and still can't believe she's gone. I worried about these things for a while but I did some research on grief and all things are perfectly normal.

I think it's your brains way of coming to terms with a mind shock like a close death. So just go with it. Just keep trying to get through each day and not thinking too far into the future and you should be okay. Don't be afraid to talk to people or even a doctor if you're worried, they've probably seen your pain a thousand times over and know that there's nothing to worry about. You aren't going crazy.....unless you are already crazy. xD

As you can tell, my really unfunny sense of humour is coming back, the only people that laugh are my dads but that's because they've got the same sense of humour too xD

 Also, just to say, do not be afraid to get some time to yourself. Or even go out and get a bit drunk once in a while, people always say drinking doesn't solve your problems but if you're in a situation like this, any time to let your hair down is a good thing. Just don't do it every single day. Do something you enjoy and if you get the grief guilt, tell it to bugger off. That's what I'm doing.

Oh, I knit now xD that's what I've been doing when I'm nervous, just taking some time out to knit Chuck a toy. It's amazingly theraputic and anything that keeps your mind busy is a good thing.

FarCry 3 is another thing that is helping me, but my wrist hurts from writing and dad's dog is snoring behind me so I'll leave that for another day xD 

Take Care guys,

NX