Grief Update.

So, with my stomach problems getting sorted out and my stomach having the chance to heal, I'm feeling much more positive about things.

It's near enough a month on from my mother dying and the difference in my attitude and feelings is unbelievable.

Obviously it still hurts, it's heart-breaking but my mind is now finally starting to process what's happened. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Mum hasn't phoned in a while." and laugh at myself. It hurts to be reminded that she's not here but it's nice to know I'm still thinking about her. I think I always will be wondering when she's going to phone or come up to the flat because that's what I've been used to for 26 years. It's fine with me. I like missing her, it reminds me just how much she meant to me.

Everyone else is doing okay too, some of the family are having a hard time with forgetting how it happened but I keep trying to tell them not to focus on that any more. Finding out more about why she died isn't going to make a damn bit of difference. It doesn't hurt to learn more about it, just don't go over it twenty times a day trying to look for closure. That's not the place to find it.

The place to find closure is in your heart. You know that she's gone from our physical world but in our hearts and heads, she's going to be with us forever. We all got the chance to say goodbye at the funeral and put her to rest. Closure is also knowing that there isn't one part of what happened that is anyone's fault. No one could stop it and people  die of random things every single day. It's part of our life on this planet.

The thing to remember in grief is that you got to spend time with your loved one before they died. You laughed together and cried together, and if your loved one was like my mother, was so embarrassed by something that they said that you wanted to just dig a hole and hide in it! Haha. Every memory you have of that person is now a gift to you from your loved one. Whether it be good or bad.

I spent 26 years knowing my mum and there isn't one part of those times that I would change. She made me who I am today and in that fact, I know she's still with me. She had a great life, full of laughter and I am thankful for that. I hope to make my life as full of happiness as hers was.

Also, if you are grieving too, a blog can really help. Yes it will be very depressing from time to time but who cares? A blog or diary can be good for you, it helps to come to terms with things and sometimes people's comments and advice can be a God-send.

Also remember that whoever and where ever you are, you are not alone.

NX