What I've learned about relationships and love - by a former hopeless romantic.

What I've Learned About Love. 

By A Former 'Hopeless Romantic' 

I've blogged about loads of things here: games, games, games, anxiety, how much people annoy me, the weather etc. but I've not blogged about love or my relationship  for a long time, probably because I haven't had anything to moan about in a while. So I thought I would, given that in the past 8 months I've had a complete and utter turn around on where I stand on the subject, have a go at explaining to you what I've learned since.

Hopeless Romance is just a fancy term for selfishness.

So let me start with this; a 'hopeless romantic' female is usually a selfish one. You say you want a guy who showers you with roses or presents, opens doors for you and throws his jacket on a puddle so you can cross? Fair enough, but for that to be plausible and not selfish, you're gonna have to either do some pretty awesome things for him every single day or be really REALLY good in the sack. I used to want all those things from a guy until I realised that it's bloody hard work! How can I expect him to do that for me when I wouldn't be willing to that for any bloke? What makes me so special to deserve that?

There isn't a single guy in the world that would rather do that for a girl who was specifically looking for that kind of treatment. Guys used to do it because they wanted to, not because you expected them to do it. So next time you come across a muddy puddle, step over it.

That's the wake-up call that I've had this year. What I looked for in guys up to 3 years ago was ridiculous; first you've got a specific look in mind for your future partner (who is usually higher in the looks department than you are), specific traits like being funny, being 'sensitive' (which is a nicer way of saying he will let you get away with crying all the time and boss him around when you're PMSing) but also being masculine enough to defend you, should a masked attacker break his way into your house.

Here's an example of what I used to look for:

A dark haired, rugged, extremely good looking man who is taller than me, has abs and an arse to die for, is sensitive yet masculine, has a great sense of humour, is mature but not boring, got to know how to play video games and dresses exactly like Jensen Ackles in Supernatural (....or IS Jensen Ackles from Supernatural), he's got to like animals, doesn't use drugs or drinks too much but he's also social enough to take me out whenever I want to go. He buys me stuff without me asking, earns a good income and wants to have children one day and is pro-marriage and can't be toothless.

I bet that's about as long as every girl's expectations in the man department and maybe you all think that it's fair to be this discerning about what you want in a man but let's look again; the guy I've just described up there would be a perfect man. So let's pretend for a second that there's even one guy out there that's like that and let's ask him what he wants in a girl. I will bet you all the tea in my cupboard that he isn't going to say:

"I want a 26 year old woman who is thin but has never worked out a day in her life so certain parts of her body are a but wobblier than they should be and has cellulite. She's so pale that she's nearly invisible and I want her to be so anxious that she can't leave the house some days, not to have a job and didn't leave home until she was 25. She should be social awkward, wears jeans and trainers every day and is uncomfortable wearing a dress, shaves her legs every three days so they're cactus like for two. She snorts when she laughs, swears too much, sometimes forgets to flush the loo after having a wee and will scream at me for even killing an ant. I want her to have IBS, eat way too much garlic and cheese, spend far too much time on computer games and Facebook and never ever back down from an argument even if she's wrong. That's my perfect girl."

Doesn't sound likely does it? So here's my point; ladies, you AREN'T AS PERFECT AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.

So here's where I am now, which is - and I'm being honest here - pretty damn good. 

I am in a three year relationship. Neither of us have rock hard abs, we don't spend a great deal of time doing romantic things for each other and sometimes he'll moan if I ask him to carry my shopping. But, we rarely argue, we talk every single day and make sure at least one day a week is spent doing something together, whether it's shopping, going for a walk, watching a film, game together or going out for a meal, the point is we spend it together.

We've had no whirlwind romance, we awkwardly got together by getting steaming drunk so that we weren't too nervous to talk to each other. But nearly three years on, we struggle spending even a day apart from each other. He doesn't buy me flowers every day, but he chooses to do it sometimes, which is a lovely surprise, but I don't expect it of him. He doesn't ask me to cook for him, but I do it because I want to, if I didn't, he'd do it.

We've had three family deaths in our relationship in three years so we've spent a lot of it crying, ( and that's not including my childhood dog, who passed away a few months before my mother did) we've spent a lot of it waiting for my panic attacks to die down and we've spent a lot of it exhausted. It's not The Notebook, it's not Twilight (though he is as hairy as a werewolf) but it's perfect enough for me.

We've had the occasional argument which lasts for ten minutes before we both apologize, regardless of who caused it, and go back to being okay. We don't like arguing, we don't always want to be right, we don't want each other to be perfect. We just want to be with each other because we are in love. It's a very simple love, it's not shiny or sparkly, but it's funny and it's comforting and I know that if he can, he will always be there for me. In fact, he wanted to be with me so much that two days after my mother's birthday a few months ago, he proposed to me and I said yes. (I knew he was up to something, he'd been avoiding my gaze for days, in fact I gave him a stern telling off the morning of the proposal to this effect, "Whatever the reason is for you ignoring me for the past few days, you can pack it in, because I know you're up to something and I don't like it." - thank God he ignored me!)

So there you go, we might a boring couple, we don't like to go out getting drunk every night and we're too skint to go on 3 holidays a year, but what ever we are, we're in it together. That's good enough for me.

NX