Shadow of the Tomb Raider review.

Shadow of the Tomb Raider review
by Dovahniik

Finally finished it! It is one hell of a game, no doubt about it, but there are aspects that felt a little underwhelming to me. But before I get into that, let's go into detail about the game itself and some of the parts that stood out to me.

Graphically Beautiful 

The first thing you're going to notice about Shadow is that it is a visual masterpiece. Because of the warmer location, the landscape is rich and colourful which is a contrast to the snowy mountain scenery of the previous games and it is beautifully rendered. The main plus point of this game is without a doubt the water. In previous games, the water has been pretty much bland and uninhabitable but in Shadow, not only can Lara swim but large portions of the game is played deep underwater. The water itself is also the most realistic I've seen so far in a game and it's a pleasure swimming through the crystal clear lakes and watching the light filter through the waves and leave patterns on the lake beds. Each area seems to have different coloured and styled rivers and lakes: crystal clear, blue-tinged lakes to murky ponds and even ones stained with blood!

Tomb Raider has always been a visual treat as far as main character facial models and this one doesn't disappoint; Lara and Jonah look fantastic and their cinematic scenes are enjoyable to watch. The one downside is that besides the few great main character models, the NPC variety is quite limited. You'll probably be doing multiple side missions for what seems like the same character.

Lara Herself 

Lara's acrobatics in the Square Enix TR have always felt to me like a toned-down version of Underworld Lara; similar but slower and more realistic. Though Underworld Lara's movements were a lot more fluid and fun, it was pretty unrealistic. (Though I must say, I prefer her swimming than current Lara's. It was a little clunky compared to the dolphin Lara of old.)

As far as tools and weapons, she's got a very similar arsenal to what she's had before: bows, single pistols, shotgun and assault rifle and to be honest, I didn't really notice anything too special about them, they did the same job as before. Her pickaxe is yet again her go-to tool and for a lot of her climbing, she uses two of them. She also uses it for melee which again was a little annoying. You can upgrade your weapons as you go through the game, should have you have enough provisions to do so but I didn't really pay attention to that, I just checked if any upgrades were available and upgraded whatever was first on the list.

She can also choose and create a variety of outfits, some that have no purpose and are purely for glamour (such as some of Core Design's skins) and then some that you create with supplies and that have added benefits when wearing e.g. extra XP when hunting or more silent movement. Some of these outfit - called Vestige outfits - are found in crypts and tombs throughout the game.

Plot 

I'll try to keep this quick so I don't ruin the game for anyone who hasn't played it yet but the plot is pretty much on par with Lara's previous exploits in complexity. Lara - on the trail of Trinity members in Peru  - stumbles upon a sacred dagger and impulsively takes it and starts the Armageddon. Simple stuff like that. Obviously it gets deeper and more complex but I don't want to ruin anything. It is a very enjoyable story.

When I first started the game and found that you could do side missions, I felt like it detracted from the game unnecessarily but as I continued I felt that these were a good way of really getting to know the villagers and the civilisations that you come in contact with and eventually you do start caring for them, as does Lara as the game progresses, intensifying the need to stop the series of events that Lara has brought upon them.

Speaking of things that detract from the game, this might be a good place to discuss some of the areas that I found lacking:

Skills 

This is the biggest annoyance in the game for me. I absolutely hated it. In previous TRs I really didn't notice the skills menu too much nor really cared about it, and in this game that feeling was more intense for me. There really is no point in it. The actual menu is visually complicated, it's not easy to see which skills are available to you nor which aren't, the skills themselves are lacklustre and some of the best ones are made available by doing certain side quests anyway, so you never really pay that much attention to it. The XP and skills system is the one part of this game that I felt too closely resembled games like Far Cry for me and it was an added bore that Tomb Raider simply didn't need. I never checked if I had any skill points and I just unlocked them at random as I went through the game. I feel like Lara earning her skills, moves and tools at certain story points would be in keeping with the game a lot more than this method.

The other thing that felt like a bit of a filler was the constant need to collect random bits of 'treasure' that do nothing other than add a bit of XP or give you a map marker for yet another piece of 'treasure'. It's not even difficult to find them because your map (like Far Cry) is full of their locations, so all you're doing is running to that spot and picking them up. Not exactly treasure hunting if you know where the treasure is!

A more enjoyable experience for me was the steles and monoliths that give you clues as to the location of some treasure and you have to go and seek it out. More things like that and less of the random junk scattered across the map would have made the game stand out against all the other games that do the same thing at the moment. So many have these additions that just bloat out the game and after all this time, it can get a bit boring.

Combat

Combat is another area that wasn't particularly innovative. Considering past Lara was extremely acrobatic, the sticking to walls and hiding in designated hiding spots (that magically glow with Eagle visio--err, hunter vision, err, what is it called in this game?) seems a little limiting. Melee is with the axe as I mentioned before and is pretty much just a smack in the face with it. Gun and bow combat is very similar to the other games except for the addition of being able to hang people in trees like the Predator. Kind of cool but I didn't get to do it very much because I'm about as stealthy as a bull in a china shop. I'll be honest, I do miss the jumping and kicking from the other games.


Jonah

I'm giving Jonah his own paragraph because I love him. One of the most memorable aspects of the TR series is Jonah. He's lovable, kind, brave and yet adds the common sense that Lara severely lacks. Their friendship is a light in the (literal) darkness of the events that unfold and I really do love the way they were written.

 I always had this sneaking suspicious that Trinity was somehow connected with the antagonist from the first TR with Trinity meaning 3 and there being 3 Atlantean Gods (Natla, Tihocan and Qualopec), not to mention Lara's visits to both Mexico and Peru in previous games. This scares me because if they do choose to go down the same route, Jonah was not a part of old TR world and if they kill him, I will cry real human tears.

Jonah deserves immunity from any future death ideas and I will actively start that petition myself.

Photography Mode 

This is a really fun addition to the game. You pause it at any point in the game and go onto this mode to take a photo of whatever it is you're doing. You can take selfies with Lara and change her facial expression, you can add filters and borders, zoom in and out and pretty much manipulate the image as much as you want to before taking the shot. It doesn't affect the game in any way so you can snap to your hearts content!

Conclusion

I'm going to try to wrap up my feelings of this game and it's difficult because I tend to focus on the points I don't like more than what I do like. I think that's because the parts I do like are pretty much the same as they were in previous games, apart from the water and swimming, which is wonderful. There really hasn't been anything innovative or fresh besides that in this game for me. Not that that is a bad thing as the others were also enjoyable games. The problem is, half of the game feels filled with bloat that, instead of building the game up, hinder it from really feeling fresh and exciting. For the most part, you can pick up exactly where you leave off in the previous TR and know exactly what you're doing.

If you want an open-world game play experience, an entertaining story with a very familiar feel, this game is for you.  But if you wanted or expected something unique in the present day gaming market, then Shadow of the Tomb Raider just misses out. It's just a little too similar to previous games and games like Far Cry and Assassin's Creed for me to really make my jaw drop.

In any case, I'll look forward to seeing what they try for the next one!

Thanks for reading, nobbers!

DovahNiik

Stroke and diabetes.

A few weeks ago now, I was texted with the information that my dad had had a stroke that morning so after a few panicked phone calls I ended up in the emergency room with my dad who had indeed suffered a stroke. This was one of the scariest moments of my life. After losing my mother in 2012 to a brain bleed, the idea I could lose my dad too was too much for me. 

Luckily, dad was awake and responsive, but had lost control of his right arm, leg and facial muscles. After a few hours he was given his own ward while we waited for his MRI results and he chatted with me pleasantly as best he could. I went home to my husband and cried my eyes out. Not a wink of sleep was had in our house that night. 

The next day, I went in to visit him and got there at the same time as my older sister and we were shocked to find that dad was speaking gibberish. He was saying sentences of entirely the wrong words. This shocked us as he'd spoken fine the night before. We panicked, thinking that the MRI results would possibly come back with a tumour or something scary. We wouldn't find out for another two days that dad's results came back fine - it was just a stroke, no tumours or bleeds - so those two days of limbo were Hell on earth for a family that had already lost its mother. 

The one thing that did come up in dad's tests was that his blood sugar was abnormally high (I think it was 17) and the normal range is somewhere between 4-7 I think, depending on if you've eaten or not. After a fasting glucose test (where you don't eat the night before and then have your bloods checked) it was determined that dad was diabetic and that it was his diabetes that caused his stroke. 

That blew me away. I had no idea that diabetes and strokes were in any way connect, nor that my dad even had diabetes! I mean, I should have noticed because the amount of cakes and sweet treats in dad's house is somewhere on par with Willy Wonka's factory, but because dad had lost so much weight in recent months, I didn't think diabetes. That led to a considerable amount of research and it turns out there is a lot I don't know about the condition. I really should because dad is now the fifth member of our family to have it and so it's very possible that it is hereditary. 

As with any condition, there are certain symptoms that you will be used to hearing about: drinking more water, being unusually thirsty, frequent trips to the loo, and there are also a few things that you take for granted about it. I always thought that overweight people were the ones that got diabetes or people who ate too much, but it turns out that isn't always the case. My dad lost a hell of a lot of weight after mum died and he looked healthier than ever. He seemed to be making a massive improvement to his health. But in recent months - and I'm just hearing this now from neighbours and friends - he seemed to drop even more weight and his skin took a quite unhealthy colour and he couldn't make it through the day without needing to nap. These are all symptoms of Type 2 diabetes. 

This is an excerpt from the NHS website on the symptoms: 

Many people have type 2 diabetes without realising. This is because symptoms don't necessarily make you feel unwell.
Symptoms of type 2 diabetes include:
peeing more than usual, particularly at night
feeling thirsty all the time
feeling very tired
losing weight without trying to
itching around your penis or vagina, or repeatedly getting thrush
cuts or wounds taking longer to heal
blurred vision
You're more at risk of developing type 2 diabetes if you:
are over 40 – or 25 for south Asian people
have a close relative with diabetes – such as a parent, brother or sister
are overweight or obese
are of south Asian, Chinese, African Caribbean or black African origin – even if you were born in the UK

Cuts taking longer to heal or losing weight? I had no idea about that and I didn't really think of blurred vision either. Now, where diabetes comes into having a stroke. I have found this from Healthline.com: 

Diabetes affects the body’s ability to create insulin or use it properly. Since insulin plays an important role in pulling glucose into cells from the bloodstream, people with diabetes are often left with too much sugar in their blood. Over time, this excess sugar can contribute to the buildup of clots or fat deposits inside vessels that supply blood to the neck and brain. This process is known as atherosclerosis. If these deposits grow, they can cause a narrowing of the blood vessel wall or even a complete blockage. When blood flow to your brain stops for any reason, a stroke occurs.

So in effect, by taking care of your diet, you are also lowering your risk of having other conditions such as a stroke or heart disease. It sounds like common sense now I think about it, but my brain just didn't connect the two conditions together.

My dad is on the road to recovery now, he's in the rehab ward at the hospital and is sat up and talking normally now but the road will be a very long one. Not only does he have his physiotherapy to contend with, but both him and his wife will have to follow a very strict diet specifically designed at keeping his blood sugar stable. He won't be able to eat biscuits, cakes, pies or trifles and will have to figure out new, healthier ways of quenching the sweet-tooth from now on. This is going to be hard and there's no room for complacency. We're all going to have to make those changes alongside him now if we're going to help dad get back on his feet, not to mention keep an eye on our own blood sugar levels as we are close family.

My dad is one of the lucky ones, I know that, and I am eternally grateful that he is in such good hands at the hospital. That is the reason I want to write this. If it at least makes even one person be more conscious of what they eat or get their blood levels checked, then it was worth the time writing.

Before I end, here is the link to the NHS page for strokes, there is some information here on the conditions that can cause them and also what exactly strokes are. I've found it very helpful during this time. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stroke/

Thanks for reading guys and stay well.

NX 

Openreach rant

So, this weekend I’ve noticed an Openreach van outside one of dad’s neighbours houses and they seem to be having a fibre line put in to their house, just like my dad did a few months ago. You’re probably well aware of my dad having a fibre line put in without question (remember that last bit, it’s important in this rant) because I’ve raged about it like ten times since he’s had it done. Why? Because we live in a small village where so far, our regular broadband internet has been limited to 2MBPS and 0.4MBPS upload speed, because no one gives a shit about us and people joke we live in Silent Hill. We’ve invented the wheel finally, what more do you want?

For your information, here is a list of things you can do with that speed of internet:

1. Send an email. Slowly. Might as well send a nobbing carrier pigeon.

2. Watch porn designed on the Commadore 64.

3. Download a font for Windows 95.

Now, in this wonderfully modern age you need at least 3MB internet to even use Netflix, NowTV, Youtube or many other streaming services, never mind in viewable quality, so that kind of service is just balls. Guess what BT charged us for the pleasure of that speed? 27 beautiful English pounds a month. For that. As you can imagine, I raged out. What the fuck can I do with that? Seriously. Think of something I could do with that besides my extensive list. I bet they get better WiFi on the fucking moon.

So, we rang up and tried to sort out getting fibre, which their website told us we could get, but when we spoke to BT on the phone, they were evasive and kept ‘losing’ our notes and complaints. Openreach told us they were coming out to install it at the cabinet and activate our line multiple times and did they? Did they balls. I went out and checked and there wasn’t a single person there - although once there was a dude looking at the box but I think he was taking a piss.

They missed appointments at our house for months on end until finally I raged out again and messaged Dennis Skinner (our MP) and explained the situation. The absolute top-class bloke messaged the head of BT (we know this because the head of BT sent us the transcript LOL) and like magic, our fibre activated and we got 10MB internet but still with the 0.5MP upload.

The Openreach guy that came out actually said to me that every Openreach technician around here hates coming to jobs in the village because of the shitty workmanship on the lines and that it was right in-between two cabinets in nearby towns so speeds were bound to be low. AKA: instead of trying to upgrade them because they own the infrastructure, they just don’t come out for months on end.

Now, I wouldn’t mind actually being able to stream on Twitch or Youtube or even upload a video sometime in the same nobbing day I start uploading it, but I was told that 0.5MB upload is the fastest that is possible to get here in the edge of the universe.

Fast fucking forward one year and my dad leisurely walks up and informs me that Openreach have just come out (he lives down the street from me, DOWN THE STREET) and installed ultrafast fibre broadband to his very house and he’s getting 50MB download and 10MB upload speed for THREE POUND MORE THAN I PAY.

I could feel my arse hurt from the absolute shaft I received the year before from the same company that installed dads without a bloody struggle.

You know what my dad needs a 10MB upload speed for? Uploading videos of him using his superfast fibre and tagging me in them. That’s what. I’m here spending 3 hours uploading a 800mb video of me playing Tomb Raider for my five loyal viewers *waves to them* and my dad has shot to the fucking moon, waving a fucking feather on his fibre speed. The fella is listening to Chinese music on Youtube just because he can. He’s loving life.

So I lost my shit again. Phoned up BT having a waffle and yet again they ‘lost’ my notes and didn’t ring me back. Cue flashbacks to 2000’s Nik trying to get and keep a fucking boyfriend. When we finally got through to them, they had no taffing idea what speed we could get and two days of phone calls trying to figure out why we asked for the best internet available to be given a tossing lump of shit were wasted. Apparently they reckon we could get the higher speeds if Openreach want to do it but we can’t until October because we are contracted for that length of time on this absolute belter of a speed.

Now, I’m a budding streamer that can’t stream. I’m an ‘er’ so really if I want people to watch me game I’m gonna have to drag my PC outside the house and let random passers by have a look. That’s what’s going on.

Now, if you’ve read through this entire thing and you happen to know how to install fibre directly to someone’s house, come and do it at mine. We’ll give you coffee and Ben and Lara are making a cherry pie right now. You can have a bit. Also, if you wanna play Sonic with me you can. Thanks in advance. For the rest of you, this is the reason I can’t live stream.

Openreach and BT, if you are reading this: where my fibre, yo?

 

DovahNiik Plays: Blazing Dragons!

Blazing Dragons (Sega Saturn 1996) is a point and click adventure game starring Flicker the dragon, a lowly servant who wants to win the hand of his secret girlfriend, Princess Flame by becoming a knight. It's very similar in humour to the series Monty Python and has Terry Jones as part of the voice cast, along with Cheech Marin (Cheech and Chong) and Harry Shearer (The Simpsons) as well as absolutely loads of other good voice actors.

I first played this game back when it was released and I was like 8 or 9 years old. I spent 3 days straight trying to figure this out before my mother swapped it for a game that made me less angry *shrug* I have finally found a SS emulator and it was the first game I downloaded when I realised I could.

I'm having a lot more fun this time around, the puzzles are a little obscure but they do have common sense behind them, so they're not that hard to figure out once you get into the swing of what the game dynamics are.

Can't describe how long it took me to get that bloody feather duster from her. Still don't know what it's for. 

It is honestly the most fun point-and-click I've ever played and that's probably why it stuck in my head all these years as a game I must go back and attempt to complete. After all these years I finally figured out how to get the bloody frog away from the pond but I still don't know why I needed to do that, so we'll see. That is a huge part of the game, completing a puzzle because it makes sense, but not knowing what to do with your achievement (it will come in handy much later, usually.) 

A lot of the humour is typically Monty Python style so if you're gonna play this, don't skip over the dialogue. Honestly, it is one of the best parts of it. It reminds me a little of Discworld, but with a little more colour, so if you like that, definitely give this game a go. 

I'm only a few hours in at the moment so I'm not sure what the story turns out as but so far I am loving it. It's a real change of pace from a lot of P&C games these days, I really do think the best ones were from the 80s and 90s! If you're willing to spent all day ruminating over that one bit that you're stuck on or that one item that you just can't combine with the cat or scissors, then give this a go. Let me know what you think! 

NX 

Breaking Bad!

Why I left it this long to watch Breaking Bad, I don't know. Well, actually I do; I have never been that fond of watching drug-related programs or movies as they all tend to be the same, but this is different. Yeah, it's based around two guys cooking meth but it is surprisingly engaging, even for me; the girl who doesn't even know what meth is. Some of its focuses (besides the cooking) are Walt, his cancer, his family, his work, Jesse's issues with his family, Jesse's horrific bad luck every time he leaves the house, Skyler's kleptomaniac sister and her brother-in-law, who is actually a much more interesting character than you first realise, and there's much more to it than even that!

For the past week, we've been watching a few episodes a night and last night we got to Season 2 Episode 6, Peekaboo. Basically, Walt - who is becoming a little bit of a dick IMO - makes Jesse prove himself by finding the drug-addicts who stole from him and getting his money and wares back. But it turns out that the two addicts (that's putting it lightly) have a son and this is the bit that made the whole episode for me. I spent the whole thing bawling my eyes out as Jesse interacts with him as he waits for the boy's parents to return. I should have been in bed early last night but I couldn't tear myself away, it was so gripping. The ending was fantastic and again had me in tears (addict parents are a touchy subject for me) and Jesse well remains on the top of my list of favourite characters, but now for more than his wonderful voice and the fact he's actually quite hot under all those layers of giant clothes. I love his character. 

Walt is obviously a huge favourite since he's so astoundingly portrayed by Gordon Freeman - I mean Bryan Cranston - but I've started to find him selfish and arrogant considering the mess so far is mostly his fault, but I guess that when you're dying, you tend to get a little cranky. I find myself cringing during every interaction he has with his wife; the lies are so weak and even though I know what is actually going on, I do wish Sky would hit him on the head with something every now and again. At this stage in S2 she's very pregnant and I can't remember having the patience she has with him when I was that heavily pregnant. In fact, I'd have been a fantastic drug distributor myself during that period because of my 'take no prisoners' attitude and lack of human empathy. (Joke.) 

Which brings me on my last bit for today - the drug bit. My husband and I are pretty sure that that isn't the real formula for cooking meth because broadcasting it on TV would be pretty unwise (same reason they didn't use the actual Death Cap on Shrooms, I guess) but if it is, then I now know how to make it and if anyone wants to buy it from me, the price is the same as on the show, yo. 

 I'll be back after we've watched the next few episodes and please try to take it easy with the spoilers, though it's been long enough now that it isn't that important. I'm assuming Walt dies, either from the cancer or from pissing off a pregnant lady too much. 

Anyway, have a good one! 

HeisenbergX 

Youtube Videos

As you've probably noticed, I've been posting links to my Youtube account recently. These are for my gaming videos, which I've started doing in my spare time. I've always wanted to stream but with 0.5MB upload speed (thanks BT *rolls eyes*) I can't live stream, so the videos have to do.

So far, I'm doing a run through of Tomb Raider 1996, some of them in my cosplay outfit, although it's a little hot here at the moment and sitting in boots is starting to give me a weird ankle sweat, so maybe I'll do more when it cools down. I'm also doing a play through of Aliens: Colonial Marines as it is one of my favourite games, so heads up if you like that.

Until I get an actual upload speed I'm going to continue doing classic video games but whenever Openreach decide that they actually CAN give me some internet power (as they did my Dad down the street...curiouser and curiouser) then I might start streaming some online games with you guys! I'm not much of an online gamer because of the internet issues so I'm sure watching me destroy myself online would be kind of amusing to witness.

I'm going to go through the entire Core Design Tomb Raider games before I tackle the newer ones so if you're a fan, take a look and if you have any classic game suggestions for me, let me know!

I was thinking of including one of my favourites, that seemed to get overlooked at the time, The Suffering. Interesting game, kind of scary but we like that! ;)

Anyway, hit me up if you have any suggestions!

DovahNiik 
X

Sublime Bronze Fake Tan Review.

An outlet for my rage


I'm going to do something I rarely do; review a cosmetic product. As you may have noticed I am myself a female woman person and as such, I like to prim sometimes. I am also deathly pale (see: Voldemort) and even in the summer I don't really tan on my lower half. Honestly, my body resembles Neapolitan Ice Cream until fucking October, so I buy fake-tan. Usually I buy the cheap and cheerful St Moriz 24 hour fast tan, which you only have to wear for an hour and with me having the patience of a...thing...I love it. Also the tan is nice and brown. It costs like 4.50 pound.

Which leads me into my review for this piece of shit that calls itself L'Oreal Sublime Bronze Elixir. Now, you'll notice a few words like 'innovative' or 'fantastic' or 'bloody awesome best stuff irl' all over the bottle and let me be the first to say that this a the biggest nobbing alternative fact I've ever heard in my life. This shit costs a tenner, which is a bit more than I usually spend on tan because I'm tight-fisted and I'd rather spend it on cheese.

Not Cheese.

It claims to last for two weeks. It claims to have no scent. It claims it gives a golden tan. It claims that it is a superb lover - well, no it doesn't but it would it if could speak because that would be bullshit too. The only thing that it claims that is true is that it does have a nice scent going on; sort of like a posh moisturiser and it also does go on lovely and smooth. If you apply in small circles, it also doesn't streak. You have to apply this shit three days in a row for it to last two weeks, by the way and that is pretty much ALL the info you're given on the back of the bottle. No info on how to apply, when to shower, it's all very shifty. Also, you should draw your attention to the asterisk after the words 'lasts 2 weeks' because it is very important; it says '*instrumental test'. TEST, not tests. Did they only do one?!

Now here's a list of lies that were told to me, a consumer, when I fell for its pretty box and glitter liquid.

Firstly: yes it does have a fake-tan smell after you've showered the first time. You smell like biscuits and curry and secondly: the golden tan is actually ORANGE. As orange as the bloody bottle. You remember when you first starting using fake tan and you bought that cheap non-brand name shit from a drug store? That kind of orange. Even after the first coat. Now it wasn't a huge problem because everyone I know seems to go outside with this level of orange so I felt I'd fit right in and the temptation of not having to apply for two weeks won me over.

After the second coat I felt I was about as orange as I could possibly be without it looking horrific so I applied the third day's coat on the paler, unseen parts of Nik (stomach, arse etc) and it went fine. But it was orange. It stains a little on the hands and feet and knees and this seems to be the only bastarding part of your body that will last anywhere near a week.

I applied it last Tuesday and Wednesday and I'm sat here today, covered in puke because we've got a bug. You know what I'm not covered in? Fucking fake tan. It washed off entirely yesterday. It started to wash off in patches after the first bloody shower I had and I've only had four this week because I wanted to bloody sustain this shit. Didn't work. It's gone.

If you're going to attempt this crap then with each shower you will have to exfoliate because it will come off pretty quickly and in horrible patches. You'll look like a cow or a Dalmatian if you don't. After about four days you might find yourself feeling and looking grimy because of how it comes off and the smell gets a bit gross when you sweat. All in all, I do not recommend this and I'm curious to see what Trading Standards make of its claims TBH. Do not spend a tenner on this nobbing stuff. Unless you want a nice, glass bottle for something but even so, I'd try Poundland first.

If you do manage to make it two weeks with this shit still on, then congratulations! Also do you want to buy 3/4 of a fucking bottle off me because I can't bring myself to use this again. It's giving me rage. Either that or swap for a lovely bottle of St Moriz?

P.S. To St. Moriz I'm so sorry. I got caught off-guard by something pretty with extraordinary promises, please take me back.

DovahNiik plays Tomb Raider 1996: St Francis Folly

DovahNiik plays Aliens: Colonial Marines AFTER/BEFORE typo fix

DovahNiik plays Tomb Raider 1996 - Tomb of Qualopec

Dovahniik plays Lost Valley 3

Dovahniik plays classic Tomb Raider, City of Vilcabamba.

Dovahniik plays Tomb Raider: Cave level with daughter

A quick example of what it means to own a cat...

This is a message I just sent to my friend from the PC when trying to discuss games.

As if being fed twice by 9.53am wasn't enough for her! 

Good job she's cute, right? 

NX

Father's Day Weekend

Had a rather interesting Father's Day weekend; we went to Holmebrook Park to feed the ducks and I can now officially add a swan to the list of birds that have bit/pecked me! The list now reads: 2 lorikeets, a parrot, peacock, goose, duck, swan, turkey, a chicken, and a sparrow! I would totally stop feeding them directly out of my hand if I didn't count any interaction as petting or fuss. I have no regrets. (Lorikeets draw blood though FYI.)

On the Sunday, we went to Chatsworth for a picnic and I had my first ever experience with a crayfish, which looks like a little lobster and is really weird because it swims backwards. They were everywhere. The kids weren't that bothered but I was thrilled as I have never seen one before, so if you were at the waterside and you heard the girlish, excited shrieking of a small child, it was me. *waves*

It wasn't all sunshine and crayfish though, Lara is ill with a really bad cough and we've been up all night. I've had my second coffee of the morning and it's only 9.34am. Somehow I've got to manage to keep this child comfortable while I can barely keep my eyes open. She keeps looking at me. I think she can smell my vulnerability.  The cat and dog are unusually close to me today and it doesn't feel like it's sympathetic. I think today might be the day they turn on me. Just got to keep my wits about me. <_ nbsp="" p="">
Have a great week, guys!

NX 

Mental Health Issues - Petition

Hey guys,

UNILad have post a petition that I thought was actually quite helpful, titled:

        Jeremy Hunt MP: Waiting Times For Young People’s Mental Health Services Must Be Cut

And here's the information:

UNILAD challenges the government to tackle the mental health epidemic at the root, and fast. As Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, Jeremy Hunt MP is best placed to help solve this issue.

To do this, the government needs to cut mental health service waiting times for young people, by shortening the timeline of their pledge to introduce maximum waiting times by 2022-3. If not, our country will lose countless young lives in the meantime.

On average, a child waits a decade from the moment they suffer their first symptom of poor mental health to receiving treatment. Furthermore, two committees of MPs published a report on May 9, saying the government's plans will take too long to come into effect and will ‘fail a generation’ through complacency and inadequacy. 

At such a crucial stage in young people’s development, mental health issues should be treated as a matter of urgency. Diagnosing and treating issues early will help deal with problems before they develop into something worse.

If the government is really serious about tackling the mental health crisis, they need to finally take decisive action.

Here's a link if you want to read more about it: https://www.change.org/p/jeremy-hunt-mp-waiting-times-for-young-people-s-mental-health-services-must-be-cut?recruiter=296637141&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&utm_campaign=share_petition&utm_term=autopublish

Fast Mental Health Treatment Is Important

I read this and nearly skipped over it until I thought back to my own treatment and how my referrals to Cognitive Therapy or any other treatment didn't get processed for a month to six weeks each time! Problem in my case was that by the end of the six weeks, I had either lost the motivation to treat my anxiety or I'd gone through the 'bad phase' and so it was no longer helpful. 

Imagine the people that are suffering from severe depression or something worse; do they have six weeks to wait for a response, let alone an appointment? Anyone who's had depression will know that getting the motivation for anything at all is nigh impossible, let alone trying to cope that many weeks after. If you're reaching out to the doctor for help, chances are you're already at your lowest point and are pretty desperate to receive treatment or therapy. It must be awful to then be stuck on a waiting list while you're battling those thoughts.

Then there are those who have suicidal thoughts, how are they going to cope with the waiting times? I hate to imagine, though I do know people who can only have one therapy session a month because of how full the lists are and both of those people have attempted suicide before! It really does need changing.

NX

Viral Conjunctivitis

So, it's finally happened. The moment I've been dreading is finally here. Lara has conjunctivitis. Those who've already had this or had children probably don't fear it the way I do, but I'm not a fan of eye-illnesses and this one has meant she's been wiping her green, eye shit on my arm for the past two days.

This morning she woke up looking like the rage infected from 28 Days Later and I momentarily thought about jumping out of the window. I've also been informed that it is incredibly contagious (just like the rage virus) and I'm already feeling not too fresh today. Because she's got a cold with it, the doctor thinks it's viral, this makes sense since she's given me that too.

Turns out the story was based on a pink-eye infected toddler in the middle of a tantrum. 

I've received two conflicting pieces of advice from people: the first is to avoid touching her infection so I don't get it, the second is to bathe her eyes with cooled, boiled water as often as needed. Basically, should I put my own health above that of my child? I'm not going to tell you which I'm leaning towards right now, but you can probably guess. She's kind of taken the choice away from me by sneezing directly into my eyes and mouth this morning before I had really woken up.

If you're thinking about having children, I would totally go on Wish and wholesale some face masks and goggles because they are totally disgusting little creatures. If you think they love you enough NOT to stick the fingers they've just had in their noses straight into your mouth, you are wonderfully naive!

So if you don't see any selfies from me in the next 5-7 days, I've got pink eye.

Have a great Wednesday, nobbers!

NX

Anxiety

Anxiety 

Hey guys! I'm just going to thank everyone who read my last blog post, I had three times the number of views as I usually do on my random posts and I think it gave me a little bit of closure on what was a really tough time in my life.

As I said before, this next blog post is about anxiety disorders. I have suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was preteen. I can't say how long exactly because it was a gradual regression from shyness, though I think I was around 8 or 9 when it hit so badly it started to affect my life. This presented itself alongside panic disorder, agoraphobia (fear of people/crowds) and hypochondria (like health anxiety).

• If you want to learn more, here is the link to the NHS website on Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and some other disorders that you might find helpful. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/generalised-anxiety-disorder/ 
• Here's the one for panic disorder, which will explain what a panic attack feels like. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/panic-disorder/

I want to point out that everyone in their life has a period of anxiety or unease and this is perfectly normal. When it starts to take over and affect your day-to-day life, then it becomes something that needs help.

To try to explain the level of anxiety I had - and if you read my last blog you can probably understand where it stemmed from - I will have to start from quite early on as it's been a long-running thing for me. This could take a while so thank you if you manage to get through it. I'm hoping this will help anyone suffering to narrow down any events that mind have brought on their own anxiety.

The Beginning 

I had always been a shy child around adults. I never really trusted them enough to want to engage in conversation with most of them, but this was normal. Many children are shy; my own daughter is so shy she won't talk to her grandparents sometimes. But as I got a little older, I started feeling nervous at the idea of being in public places with them. I would start playing scenarios in my head and psyching myself up to the point where I would physically throw up. I catastrophized everything in my head before I was even 8 years old.

The next thing that still sticks in my mind now is my fear of random things. I was told that when your heart stops, you die - which is obviously true - but it really got to me. I remember standing in my doorway as a child frantically trying to find my pulse, worrying that if I couldn't feel it I would just drop down dead. This went on for weeks, I lost so much sleep over it.

Being around someone as mentally ill as my birth-mother didn't help, stories of witches and ghosts don't really belong in the mind of a child but it wasn't really her fault. Being as young as I was, I picked up every single thing I heard or saw on the TV. When it was decided our village would move over the road, we got to choose everything about the houses that were being built for us - including what cooker we wanted and if it was to be gas or electric. A few weeks before this, my birth-mother let me watch an episode of a drama where a young woman left her gas stove on, sat down next to it and blew herself up to commit suicide, so when I heard we might be getting a gas cooker I freaked out. We were in the office of the planning building looking at cookers and I screamed the place down in a fit of absolute terror. I'll be honest here, I'm still a little scared of gas ovens now. See what I mean about picking things up?

So that's the beginning. The start of the end for me. What followed would be bed-wetting until just before my teen years and having to take warm baths at 4am because I'm so worried about life I can't sleep. My mum would have to sit at my side before school and try to calm me down.

People always made a lot of comments about my weight because I was a skinny thing (much like my daughter is now) and that didn't go down well with me. Because of the comments, my mother would be constantly trying to feed me and being anxious, I didn't want to eat often. So instead I internalized my feelings and began wearing long-sleeved jumpers all year round to cover my skinny arms to avoid people saying anything. One summer, I sat by the lake all day with my friends in a HUGE fleece jumper, so hot that I was sick the whole of the next day. I was absolutely terrified of judgement. It must have happened quickly though because I can remember wondering why I cared so much this year but I didn't the year before when I happily had my arms out for Sports Day in Year 1. That's how sudden these phobias come on.

The Impact On My Life

I left school at nearly 14 years old because I was being sick every morning before I caught the bus. I didn't realise it at the time but I had worked myself up so much before I went, I couldn't even stand to get out the door. This was a panic attack. I went into a fit of pure fear: shaking, sweating, weak arms and legs, chest pain and struggling to breathe. Then I'd be sick and get irrationally angry at anyone who tried to force me to do it. So I dropped out from school. I had to have family therapy to figure out what was going on but they focused on my physical symptoms more than my emotional ones.

I remember being in this shitty family therapy trying to explain that I was scared and that I wished my family would listen to me. I tried to talk about all the problems in my life: my schizophrenic birth-mother, the family members always coming in the house in fits of drug-induced rage and everyone's constant comments about my weight, but even the 'therapist' didn't listen. They gave me a home tutor and assumed I'd got M.E.! https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/chronic-fatigue-syndrome-cfs/

The only reason I was so tired was that my body was going through so much from the anxiety attacks happening all the time (and the rare football-sized tumour looming in my womb, but that's a new story altogether) that I just couldn't concentrate.

I must have had a year of tuition before they gave up, I wasn't able to get my mind straight enough to concentrate on my work, especially after my operations to remove a tumour and my ovary. Depression had kicked in at this point and I'd pretty much given up on having any hope of a successful future. I remember asking myself what I thought I'd be doing at 16 (two years from this point) and I genuinely couldn't see anything. It was black. I didn't think I'd survive that long. Sad, huh?

Home life was bad, my mum suffered from anxiety too and so held onto me really tightly in hopes that I wouldn't go out, get pregnant and live the same life my birth-mother did. My social life consisted of a few friends that I was only allowed to spend time with if my female friends were in the group and I didn't wander off for too long. It had once been amazing but as my mum's worries got worse, I soon became so afraid to speak to people that I didn't want to spend that much time with them. My friends eventually went off and did their own thing. I had a few boyfriends, and along with some of my so-called friends, did some pretty shitty things to me like throw dead animals in bags in my garden, sleep with my boyfriends, shoot my window with air rifles, take my pet ferret out of her hutch and post her through my aunt's letterbox in hopes the cat would kill it, throw rocks at my windows etc. You know, really nice stuff like that. That did wonders for my confidence as you can imagine.

Bigger Picture 

Anyway, I've rambled on a lot here, though I think it all makes for a bigger picture that needs to be explained. Eventually, mum took me to the doctors and he threw some citalopram at me and left me to it. The next few years went by in sort of a numb blur. I had no therapy whatsoever or was even told what was happening to me. The medication on its own did nothing at all and I switched a few times to different ones. Nothing happened. At this point, I was having up to 16 panic attacks in a single day and my life consisted of gaming in the kitchen for 8 hours at a time - it was my only release from my mind.

My mother struggled too so she hated it when I left the house without her. We were stuck together at this point and it was only after her death in 2012 that I had to put on my big-girl pants and do things alone. (After a year or two of overwhelming grief and loss. She was after all my best and only friend.) But before my recovery, the years went by with me in this same cage. I had a few boyfriends who all eventually left - it's not that fun dating the socially-inept - and I had zero friends that weren't online. Real friends seemed like a chore at that point, I didn't want to go through what I went through as a teen again, having to wonder what my friends were saying or doing behind my back.

What If?

I had gained from my mum what I like to call 'What If Syndrome' which is probably the biggest factor in my anxiety to this day. Have you ever had to make a big decision in your life and you find that little area of your brain that questions it? For example, let's say I've got to go on a plane to the US to meet some friends. My brain would say 'What if the plane crashes? What if you lose all your money and can't get home? What if you get mugged or ill and you're all alone?' Most people would have this train of thought to an extent as it's usually present as common sense but in someone with anxiety, it is ALL THE TIME and we don't shrug it off. There's just something in our brains that accept the idea that something could go wrong as proof that it will. As if just thinking about the possibility - however remote - of something happening can physically summon it into existence as if it were a demon. Sometimes I do refer to it as the 'What If Demon' for posterity.

It didn't help that the What If Demon also affected my mother and instead of just having the voice in my head telling me that the world would break down around me if I left the house, I had her telling me it too. The joys of anxiety! This demon's favourite time to come and play is usually as you're laying down to bed, he loves to put the most stupid worries in the world in your head right when you need some good rest. It's how he plays it. So you're panicking all night which leads to an over-tired person the next day - a perfect time for the what-ifs to reappear.

As you can imagine, generalized anxiety disorder means that you're pretty much nervous about shit all the time. Your brain is in constant overdrive, everything upsets you or makes you irritable, you can't eat and you most likely at this point either have acid-reflux, irritable bowel syndrome or both of them (the hormones released during anxiety don't really do great things for the stomach) so you can't even get pleasure from eating any more!

It's not uncommon for people at this stage of anxiety to look for a release with either alcohol, smoking or drugs and I'm not going to sit here and tell you how to live your life. All I will say is that there is help out there that you might find more useful than just drowning those sorrows. Trust me, I know. I'd been a fan of the drink since I was 14 and it didn't help me. Drink, sure, just make sure you're not relying on it to live. That's just as bad as the What If Demon.

Help? 

Because this blog is becoming ten-times as long as I had thought it would, I'm going to cut out a long portion of my dreary life-story now. I think you all get the general idea of how anxiety was born in me and move on to how I managed to get to the point where I can leave the house.

The first and biggest factor in how I am today is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I was first introduced to this at 19 years old when I really wanted to go on the bus on my own to town (ten minutes away) and I couldn't even do that. My doctor sent me to this new type of therapist and it really did blow my mind. It's not like psychotherapy where you just talk about your feelings, it's more a self-help therapy that actively identifies and combats the behaviours that you are doing to add to your anxiety cycle.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/ Here is a link to explain more.

I will add here that if you choose to try CBT, you will need to go into it completely and utterly prepared to do things that make you anxious and uncomfortable. This isn't a process that is going to be pleasant for you. You're going to have a crazy amount of panic attacks as your therapy goes on but trust me when I tell you that you're going to be able to live a life afterwards.

This therapy taught me about safety behaviours that may feel like they're making it better but are in fact making it worse. For example, do you find that going outside makes you nervous so you just don't go? You avoid. That's actually a safety behaviour that you're using to make you feel safer. You're feeding your anxiety (and the What If Demon) by doing this. Do you find that when you go to a public place, you sit by the door in case you need to escape? Yep, that's one too. You're keeping yourself in a cycle.

I've stolen this from the internet to help explain. No copyright challenge intended.

The way to get out of this is to break the wheel, as Daenerys Stormborn once said. This will involve taking some small, scary steps into doing the things that scare you and changing the way your brain perceives them. For me, this was simply by leaving the house without my mum and letting the anxiety just wash over me. It will come in a huge wave as your brain mistakenly sees a danger, but then it will leave and you'll still be sat there on the bus as you were before. Perfectly safe.

One thing that helped me is to remember that anxiety is just a feeling. You're not psychic, predicting your own doom, you're just having a thought. Give it a moment and that thought/emotion will just pass and you'll still be sat wherever you are at the time and nothing will have changed. That's called grounding.  https://www.confidentlife.com.au/5-quick-ways-to-ground-yourself-when-anxiety-hits/

That's the trick, right there. Training your brain to readjust its flight-or-fight response. It will be so hard. It will push you mentally and physically to the point where you will spend more time looking for excuses to quit than actually doing anything you need to do to get better. But if you do take the easy way out, you will always be in the cycle. The months of being uncomfortable and anxious while you go do the things that scare you will pale in comparison to the life you will lead if you let your fears control you.

I was 25 years old before I started to become a fully-functioning person. I missed out on 25 years of living my life because I let my fears take over it. It's why I'm so immature now, I think. I'm basically starting again. I'm living, not just existing.

I still take courses of medication if things get on top of me, but I don't have a panic attack for the most part. That's pretty great compared to the 16 or so I would have in one day. I go outside and I talk to people, I never say no to a challenge and I'm bringing up a happy, healthy daughter who will never know the struggle I did. I'll make sure of that.

Talk about your problems, go to the therapy, ground yourself, take the medication but whatever you do, don't sink. I know you're tired emotionally and physically but just keep pushing. Don't do one scary thing and then rest for a while, keep it going until you feel like you can't do it anymore. I promise you that eventually you will look back and realise you're not scared of it.

The good thing about anxiety is that you've already gone through every scenario in your head that terrifies you; you've lost sleep, you've cried, you've yelled and you've given up hope multiple times. You've sat on the kitchen floor with your head in your hands and wept until there was nothing left to give. But see? You're still here.

Thanks for reading, guys.

NX

Growing up with a schizophrenic

Why I'm Writing This 

Mental health is being talked about in the media more now than I've ever seen it before and I think this is important as it means that those suffering alone with their illness may have a better chance of finding acceptance and hopefully recovery.

I've mentioned my long-term battle with anxiety and depression often on my social media but one thing I haven't really spoken about is my experience of being around a person with schizophrenia. Most of you already know that my birth mother has suffered from this illness since I was born - maybe even long before that - and it's because of it that I was brought up from being a baby by my grandparents, who I call 'mum' and 'dad'. 

In case you've never heard of it, here's a link to some more information on schizophrenia from the NHS website. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/schizophrenia/ 

What I wanted to talk about, given recent events I've read about in the news, is how it is perceived and how it affects those around the person who is suffering - family, friends etc because it's one of those topics that even in my own family can sometimes be considered taboo or something to be ashamed of. That way of thinking is not helpful and in our case has led to my birth-mother from being ostracised from people who once were close to her and also made life really difficult for both my younger sister and me, who have both been subject to snide remarks or judgements purely from being in the same gene pool. 

Now I'm a mother myself, I'm hyper-aware of everything that happened to me during my own childhood and how it affected me long-term because I don't want my own child to go through what I went through. 

I will refer to my birth-mother as BM during this to save confusion. When I mention my mum and dad, I mean my grandparents. 

Family History 

Now, I have no memory of ever calling the woman who gave birth to me 'mother' as a child; I'd already adopted 'mum' and 'dad' for my grandparents as it's all I knew, but I do remember my BM being a large part of my life. I think I was a few months old when dad collected me from her flat because she confessed she couldn't take care of me properly so I don't remember the time when she was my sole-carer (my birth-father wasn't around until I was well into my 20's) but I've heard many stories about what I went through. It's because of this that I'm so thankful that my parents raised me as their own and I managed to have a more normal life than what would have come from staying with her or being taken into care. 

So I grew up with my grandparents, who I adored, and my aunt and uncle became my brother and sister in a way. My BM lived down the street back then and even to this day she still leaves close by, so I saw her frequently growing up. I can't remember the conversation where mum and dad tried to explain to me what was wrong with her but I knew something wasn't right and I just accepted it. Kids are great for that. 

Funnily enough, I was never scared of her as a toddler, even when she told me stories of her bed shaking like the scene in the Exorcist or that her ornaments talked to her. I suppose I had been exposed to it so early that my mind just sort of switched off to it. But it was daily. She'd come around to visit and for the most part she was in good spirits about things, she talked to my mum and dad, drank tea and asked me how things were going. There had always been a sadness in her eyes when she looked at my sister and I and it was clear there was still a bit of the woman she was before the illness took over. 

Mum and dad let her spend as much time as she could with me until I was around 8 years old when things took a huge turn for the worst with her mental health. Before that, all she really did in my presence was tell strange stories about ghosts and how they talk to her but she seemed to struggle to do everyday things like pay bills, look after her home, feed herself properly etc as she was always out somewhere with whatever boyfriend she had at the time. 

Then when I got to 8 she met a new man and that's when things just fell apart for me. He'd introduced her to some pretty heavy drugs and she broke entirely. Her delusions got worse every time we saw her, up to the point where I began having nightmares and I stopped wanting to talk to adults, just in case they were like she was. She would have these sort of episodes where she screamed at mum and dad for taking me away from her and this terrified me. She stopped being my birth-mother and became a nightmare for a while. 

Growing Up 

When our village moved over the road (https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/arkwright-town) it could have been an amazing fresh start. The houses were new and modern and bricks didn't fall out of my bedroom wall as they did before. We had a huge new garden and even a garage! I thought it was fantastic, and all it took was methane seeping up through our old village and causing explosions! (This is why I refer to it as Silent Hill.)

But back then, my BM moved in with her new boyfriend and every time I saw them they were either high or drunk. They shouted the strangest things to my friends and I and even though she meant well, I really started to hate leaving the house. She followed me to school to wave at me through the gates, wearing the same clothes she'd had on all week and sometimes high because her boyfriend gave her something at 8.30 in the fucking morning. Anxiety started to kick in. 

Her visits to our house became more frequent and consisted of her telling mum and dad that I was too skinny or I wore tops too revealing and that - and this is the bit that stuck with me all this time - it wasn't safe for a girl to be friends with boys. I won't go into the details but for the next few years, she'd constantly remark on my friendship with my best friend, a boy, until I felt so bad about myself I wanted to stop going outside as often as I had. She'd become fixated on the idea that I'd get pregnant young like she did and end up mentally ill and she wasn't scared to tell me things in detail about how that happened. She'd tell me about drugs and violent movies she'd watched, despite mum's attempts to stop her. I think mum was always a little scared of my BM because she just sort of let BM tell me this stuff. Pretty soon mum too became a little fixated with my relationships with boys as well. 

Then BM's boyfriend got a great idea that they should take back custody and I went through the next year or so in the middle of a gruesome court battle where my parents desperately tried to stop them from taking me away from the only safe place I had in the world. Luckily, when mum and dad were in a lot of debt from court bills and things were starting to look a little like Hell, I wrote quite a strongly-worded letter for a 9-year-old and posted it to BM. It was shown in court and I had to have many interviews with solicitors etc about why I threatened to kill people, so it was decided that was a sign that I probably didn't want to leave my mum and dad. They won. I stayed at home. Of course, the panic of being taken away from my family had left me with panic attacks, bed-wetting and extreme anxiety around any adult that I met. I gained like ten phobias that I am still struggling to shake to this day because of that battle. 

My sister was only a baby at this time and had a much better relationship with our BM than I did. My resentment had run deep by this point and I'm not going to pretend that I didn't wish she just didn't exist at all. My sister was brought up by her own father and they didn't live in the same village, so she really only saw her mother on the weekends, but even that had traumatic moments until finally, those stopped too because of how bad things were getting. My sister struggled with anger as a toddler - unsurprisingly. 

Effects 

Both my sister and I have our own issues with mental health and struggle with periods of high anxiety and depression. I dropped out of school at 14 because the idea of being around so many people terrified me. I completely shut down. My sister and I were bonded in one sense but we even had trouble spending time together because of the confusing life we were brought into and we acted out a lot with each other. Everything was just so different from everyone else's life. I don't think we ever understood why. 

Because I looked so much like my BM, it felt like most people around me were just waiting for that behaviour to show in me. Even a normal kid tantrum would end in my mental health being questioned and I grew up having absolutely no idea what normal was. The angrier I got at people for judging me that way, the worse they got. I was just like my mother. In my teen years, mum kept a really tight grip on me and she stopped letting me hang around with my friends if I was out of her sight and there was a boy in the group. We could watch TV in the garage or go to the park where she could see me. The odd time I slipped away to go hang out somewhere in the fields or woods, she'd go to my friend's house and get his mother to come find us. It got so embarrassing that I eventually just gave up. She was just so scared that I'd do something to trigger schizophrenia or get pregnant or God knows what else and I was put on anti-depressants at 14 years old without a single diagnosis. Been on them on-and-off ever since. 

I still to this day get asked if I have my 'mother's ways' when people who know her see me in the street and if I'm ever arguing with someone it's always brought up. 

Until I was 19, I hadn't left my village alone. I became a scared shut-in who thought everything in the world was terrible and people were all crazy and wanted to hurt me. Both my sister and I struggle with panic attacks still, although things are better now. 

I finally conquered my fears a few years ago when my mum died and I had no choice but to do things by myself and for myself. Though being without her broke my heart and I miss her every single day, it also pushed me towards where I am now. 

My sister and I have a good relationship now and we try to see our BM as often as possible. She's doing better these days than she was when I was in my teens. She still thinks Egyptian gods live inside her walls and she struggles with distinguishing reality and fiction, but she's placid. In the past ten years, her doctors and care team have gradually done more for her than they did my entire childhood and the effects are noticeable. She'll never be cured. Her illness went too far for that and she's consistently stuck in her own head, but she's happier now. Settled. We're old enough now to understand that nothing she did or said was her own fault and we try our hardest to keep any childhood resentments out of the way, though it is hard. I call her mum now, she likes that a lot. It's hard for me but she deserves it. Her entire life has been buried in her illness. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her, not knowing what is real and what is in her mind. Watching her children being brought up by other people. 

My sister and I are the only family members left to visit her. It's been hard on every single member of the family, especially my dad. He has remarried and is trying to live the happiest life he can after all the shit he's been through - before and after mum died. 

Lara has seen her grandmother a few times now and it's gone okay, I am careful as my daughter has issues with shyness and I don't want to scare her. But I want her to have as good a relationship with her grandmother as she can because, despite the dark cloud in her mind, she is still our blood. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. 

So, if you know someone suffering from this - or any other - illness of the mind, remember that if they could be better, they would and spare a thought for their family. It's hard. Really hard. 

Thanks for reading, if you did. I think all the above is one of the reasons why I am proud to be weird. I earned it. :D 

NX 

P.S. I'm going to write another blog post about anxiety next and the things I found helpful for panic attacks and general anxiety if anyone's interested. I'll publish it on my Facebook when I do! 

P.S.S. I am not going to pretend I proof-read this, so sorry for the scrambled thoughts! xD 

NOW it's Friday!

It's finally here. I'm sat at the computer trying to think of something productive to do after being awake from 3AM by a kitten nibbling the bridge of my nose but I'm struggling to warm up today. I always find a blog post in the morning helps to awaken my brain. Though yeah, not working too well today xD

One thing about being a parent I've come to appreciate is that you never know when you're going to get a full night's sleep again, so you seem to be able to run on just a few hours here and there just as well as you can on eight hour's sleep - if a bit less enthusiastic.

Also being a new kitten owner seems to be remarkably akin to being a new parent: you have night wake-ups for play/food/to bite your nose and they attack you on sight (is that all children or just mine?) They're really cunning with their love; open the fridge and you're the most beautiful, amazing person they've ever seen, close it and you're invisible. I will admit I am a huge fan of the face strokes I get from both my daughter and my cat - who literally strokes me with her little paw, without claws!

Being the owner of a BearBear is a little different: she sleeps really well, she eats well, she comes for a love before bed and upon waking, she runs like a greyhound for about 20 minutes and then collapses for the rest of the day and she never barks or growls. Bear's biggest problem is that she won't go outside when the weather is mildly wet, she will hold her bladder all day long...I hope she's holding her bladder. XD

But I love them all, despite losing my mind trying to take care of them. Who thought it would be a good idea to let me be one of the only adults in the house? I, who's greatest achievement is finishing Sonic 3 in 25 minutes with all emeralds. *chest puff* I'm getting by on a wing and a prayer here. It's bloody hard work. My husband isn't any more mature than I am either so Google has become the Holy Grail. You'll find yourself Googling 'Why doesn't my child sleep?' more times in your first year than you'll Google pictures of Jason Mamoa, which is a shame as he's totally worth Googling. :/

So now I've rambled on and I have nothing else to add, apart from the fact that this entire brain-fart hasn't woken my brain today in the slightest. Maybe coffee will help.

Have a great weekend everyone!

NX

It's only Thursday.

So disappointed. I got it into my head that it was Friday today so I've been in a weekend mood all day, looked at my computer and no, it's bloody Thursday. *sigh*

We've had a tough week with yet another cold and also Lara's last four molars have decided they want to make their appearance AT THE SAME TIME so she's in a joyous mood. Right now we're in my bedroom and she's watching Frozen in bed - with a plate of pretzels by her side.

I'm sat here trying to think of something to write and get some ideas together for the sequel to Plagued, but I'm so congested that my brain just keeps coming back to Frozen. If, in my next book, Sarah and Mark start singing 'Do You Want To Build A Snowman?' I do apologize. Blame mum-brain.

Husband is on like 12-hour shifts too so when we get to spend some time together it's basically turning on the TV and vegging out with snacks. There's usually a kitten and dog thrown in somewhere too.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend as it's going to be a little research trip to the moors to get some ideas for the book, which is exciting as it means development is really starting now. Hopefully, I'm a little more experienced with horror now as I have given birth and also raised a toddler. Not to mention the strangeness that is Show Me Show Me *shudder*

On another subject: it's been nearly two weeks now since Cleo moved into our home and she's doing great. She's had her vaccinations and we've just had her microchipped so she can't escape us now! Mwahaha! Next month she'll be getting spayed so she can't get slutty out there in the wilds. Well, I suppose she still can, she just won't need child support payments from the father.

It's weird having a cat. I wake up with my eyeballs being licked and yesterday she fell asleep on my neck! I'm still not 100 percent sure she wasn't low-key trying to smother me but we'll see how it goes. We can use this blog post as evidence if it does happen. One down-side is that she likes to play with her noisiest toys in the middle of the night and bring them to you, just in case you wanted to join in. I spent last night taking bells off her toys before bedtime and she still managed to find one with bell intact!

So this weekend, I'm going to enjoy a small (large) glass of water (whisky) and have some wonderful exercise (lounging) around the country (house.) Hope you guys are as productive as I intend to be! ;)

It's been a LONG week!

NX

We have a new kitten!

We have a new addition to our family - no, you sadistic f**** I haven't had another child - she is a kitten called Cleo! Look at that face! 

Should have called her Phantom!

She's six months old and she's not scared of anything, she absolutely loves snuggling me and even Bear has taken to her. They sleep together now in the afternoon which is unusual for Bear as she's usually as anti-social as I am! My daughter loves her, she cried yesterday because Daddy took her away in a cat-box to get her microchipped. 

I've never had a cat before so everything she does is new to me. She's never had a 'Nik' before either so our interactions are sort of like deep studies of an unknown species. She has taken to my random bouts of song throughout the day now too, so that's good. I have noticed that I seem to be the victim of her hunts quite a lot more than the other members of the family, she goes out of her way to hunt me down whenever I'm moving or breathing. I'm playing Farcry: Primal at the moment so it's kind of like I need to throw some bait to tame her a little better. I'll be honest, I love it. She's brought so much fun and laughter to the household. 

The rest of us are doing great; full of cold at the moment but that's just what happens whenever the weather turns mildly cold around here. My Lara is now 2.5 years old and she thinks she's the leader of the pack. Cute as a button though. 

Look at that face! Not mine, mine looks worn out. Being a mother is quite difficult - and I only have one! I was planning on writing a little more here but it has just occured to me that my household has gone deathly silent and I can feel the panic rising in my chest as I realise I've left the box of chocolates on the counter and left the toddler downstairs. RIP Dairy Milk box :( 

NX 

Well, I'm back again.

It's been a long time since I posted last; mostly because I've had a child, moved twice, got married, and put nearly a stone of weight on from eating pizza. But I'm here!

This isn't going to be a big post, just wanted to let everyone know my boring old life is back online.

I'm currently sat upstairs on my dusty PC while my daughter plays on what used to be my Note tablet and we're watching The Secret Life of Pets for the 100th time this month. Not that I'm complaining; of all the films to choose this is probably one of the best. It's also made me kinda want a cat. *shrug*

Everyone is doing well in the Preskey House. We got married in June and we've moved back to my hometown so we're finally living mould free! Bear is doing great, she's happy now the kid is in the nursery and we can have some time to go running together.

Lara is thriving. She started walking at 9 months and saying sentences not long after that so it's pretty much her house now. We just sort of walk around on eggshells and try not to set off the 'toddler tantrum', which does not describe the episode in enough horror. Toddler tantrums are in fact better known as 'bitch fits'. Or Armageddon. Here's an example: this morning I asked her if she wanted chocolate spread on toast with blueberries, she said no. So I started to prepare her usual cereal and you know what she did? Screamed the place down. Why? Because she wanted chocolate spread on toast with blueberries. This is just a tiny example of why Ben and I drink whisky now. There's no other way to handle these outbursts other than heroin and we don't want to go down that route. I like teeth.

It's funny with her because she can go from the Devil to an angel in the space of five seconds. She punched me this morning for trying to brush her teeth and then a few seconds later, hugged me and told me she loved me 'the best'. Toddlers are bat-shit crazy. They're basically Negan.

Anyway, there's a dude downstairs putting us some flooring down (carpets and toddlers don't mix!) so I'll try to get back soon with some more terrible life lessons!

NX