I'm going to do something I rarely do; review a cosmetic product. As you may have noticed I am myself a female woman person and as such, I like to prim sometimes. I am also deathly pale (see: Voldemort) and even in the summer I don't really tan on my lower half. Honestly, my body resembles Neapolitan Ice Cream until fucking October, so I buy fake-tan. Usually I buy the cheap and cheerful St Moriz 24 hour fast tan, which you only have to wear for an hour and with me having the patience of a...thing...I love it. Also the tan is nice and brown. It costs like 4.50 pound.
Which leads me into my review for this piece of shit that calls itself L'Oreal Sublime Bronze Elixir. Now, you'll notice a few words like 'innovative' or 'fantastic' or 'bloody awesome best stuff irl' all over the bottle and let me be the first to say that this a the biggest nobbing alternative fact I've ever heard in my life. This shit costs a tenner, which is a bit more than I usually spend on tan because I'm tight-fisted and I'd rather spend it on cheese.
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| Not Cheese. |
It claims to last for two weeks. It claims to have no scent. It claims it gives a golden tan. It claims that it is a superb lover - well, no it doesn't but it would it if could speak because that would be bullshit too. The only thing that it claims that is true is that it does have a nice scent going on; sort of like a posh moisturiser and it also does go on lovely and smooth. If you apply in small circles, it also doesn't streak. You have to apply this shit three days in a row for it to last two weeks, by the way and that is pretty much ALL the info you're given on the back of the bottle. No info on how to apply, when to shower, it's all very shifty. Also, you should draw your attention to the asterisk after the words 'lasts 2 weeks' because it is very important; it says '*instrumental test'. TEST, not tests. Did they only do one?!
Now here's a list of lies that were told to me, a consumer, when I fell for its pretty box and glitter liquid.
Firstly: yes it does have a fake-tan smell after you've showered the first time. You smell like biscuits and curry and secondly: the golden tan is actually ORANGE. As orange as the bloody bottle. You remember when you first starting using fake tan and you bought that cheap non-brand name shit from a drug store? That kind of orange. Even after the first coat. Now it wasn't a huge problem because everyone I know seems to go outside with this level of orange so I felt I'd fit right in and the temptation of not having to apply for two weeks won me over.
After the second coat I felt I was about as orange as I could possibly be without it looking horrific so I applied the third day's coat on the paler, unseen parts of Nik (stomach, arse etc) and it went fine. But it was orange. It stains a little on the hands and feet and knees and this seems to be the only bastarding part of your body that will last anywhere near a week.
I applied it last Tuesday and Wednesday and I'm sat here today, covered in puke because we've got a bug. You know what I'm not covered in? Fucking fake tan. It washed off entirely yesterday. It started to wash off in patches after the first bloody shower I had and I've only had four this week because I wanted to bloody sustain this shit. Didn't work. It's gone.
If you're going to attempt this crap then with each shower you will have to exfoliate because it will come off pretty quickly and in horrible patches. You'll look like a cow or a Dalmatian if you don't. After about four days you might find yourself feeling and looking grimy because of how it comes off and the smell gets a bit gross when you sweat. All in all, I do not recommend this and I'm curious to see what Trading Standards make of its claims TBH. Do not spend a tenner on this nobbing stuff. Unless you want a nice, glass bottle for something but even so, I'd try Poundland first.
If you do manage to make it two weeks with this shit still on, then congratulations! Also do you want to buy 3/4 of a fucking bottle off me because I can't bring myself to use this again. It's giving me rage. Either that or swap for a lovely bottle of St Moriz?
P.S. To St. Moriz I'm so sorry. I got caught off-guard by something pretty with extraordinary promises, please take me back.
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