Openreach rant

So, this weekend I’ve noticed an Openreach van outside one of dad’s neighbours houses and they seem to be having a fibre line put in to their house, just like my dad did a few months ago. You’re probably well aware of my dad having a fibre line put in without question (remember that last bit, it’s important in this rant) because I’ve raged about it like ten times since he’s had it done. Why? Because we live in a small village where so far, our regular broadband internet has been limited to 2MBPS and 0.4MBPS upload speed, because no one gives a shit about us and people joke we live in Silent Hill. We’ve invented the wheel finally, what more do you want?

For your information, here is a list of things you can do with that speed of internet:

1. Send an email. Slowly. Might as well send a nobbing carrier pigeon.

2. Watch porn designed on the Commadore 64.

3. Download a font for Windows 95.

Now, in this wonderfully modern age you need at least 3MB internet to even use Netflix, NowTV, Youtube or many other streaming services, never mind in viewable quality, so that kind of service is just balls. Guess what BT charged us for the pleasure of that speed? 27 beautiful English pounds a month. For that. As you can imagine, I raged out. What the fuck can I do with that? Seriously. Think of something I could do with that besides my extensive list. I bet they get better WiFi on the fucking moon.

So, we rang up and tried to sort out getting fibre, which their website told us we could get, but when we spoke to BT on the phone, they were evasive and kept ‘losing’ our notes and complaints. Openreach told us they were coming out to install it at the cabinet and activate our line multiple times and did they? Did they balls. I went out and checked and there wasn’t a single person there - although once there was a dude looking at the box but I think he was taking a piss.

They missed appointments at our house for months on end until finally I raged out again and messaged Dennis Skinner (our MP) and explained the situation. The absolute top-class bloke messaged the head of BT (we know this because the head of BT sent us the transcript LOL) and like magic, our fibre activated and we got 10MB internet but still with the 0.5MP upload.

The Openreach guy that came out actually said to me that every Openreach technician around here hates coming to jobs in the village because of the shitty workmanship on the lines and that it was right in-between two cabinets in nearby towns so speeds were bound to be low. AKA: instead of trying to upgrade them because they own the infrastructure, they just don’t come out for months on end.

Now, I wouldn’t mind actually being able to stream on Twitch or Youtube or even upload a video sometime in the same nobbing day I start uploading it, but I was told that 0.5MB upload is the fastest that is possible to get here in the edge of the universe.

Fast fucking forward one year and my dad leisurely walks up and informs me that Openreach have just come out (he lives down the street from me, DOWN THE STREET) and installed ultrafast fibre broadband to his very house and he’s getting 50MB download and 10MB upload speed for THREE POUND MORE THAN I PAY.

I could feel my arse hurt from the absolute shaft I received the year before from the same company that installed dads without a bloody struggle.

You know what my dad needs a 10MB upload speed for? Uploading videos of him using his superfast fibre and tagging me in them. That’s what. I’m here spending 3 hours uploading a 800mb video of me playing Tomb Raider for my five loyal viewers *waves to them* and my dad has shot to the fucking moon, waving a fucking feather on his fibre speed. The fella is listening to Chinese music on Youtube just because he can. He’s loving life.

So I lost my shit again. Phoned up BT having a waffle and yet again they ‘lost’ my notes and didn’t ring me back. Cue flashbacks to 2000’s Nik trying to get and keep a fucking boyfriend. When we finally got through to them, they had no taffing idea what speed we could get and two days of phone calls trying to figure out why we asked for the best internet available to be given a tossing lump of shit were wasted. Apparently they reckon we could get the higher speeds if Openreach want to do it but we can’t until October because we are contracted for that length of time on this absolute belter of a speed.

Now, I’m a budding streamer that can’t stream. I’m an ‘er’ so really if I want people to watch me game I’m gonna have to drag my PC outside the house and let random passers by have a look. That’s what’s going on.

Now, if you’ve read through this entire thing and you happen to know how to install fibre directly to someone’s house, come and do it at mine. We’ll give you coffee and Ben and Lara are making a cherry pie right now. You can have a bit. Also, if you wanna play Sonic with me you can. Thanks in advance. For the rest of you, this is the reason I can’t live stream.

Openreach and BT, if you are reading this: where my fibre, yo?