Tuesday News.

Had some horrible times with anxiety lately, mainly health anxiety about my breathing. It's called Manual Breathing I think. 

Basically it's where you concentrate on your breathing and breath manually instead of automatically. It's basically that your brain tells you that you won't be able to breath unless you think about doing it, when in fact, you will just carry on as normal. 

It's horrible, because it's force breathing, I get dizzy and sick and panicky. My chest is killing because of it. I've tried all sorts of exercise to stop it but nothing has helped so far. 

Every now and again, my brain says "You've stopped breathing!" and I'm right back in manual mode again. It takes up a lot of time to keep fewking doing it and it's causing me to get a heavy chest, which exacerbates  things and ends up in a cycle. Off the doctors some time this week to talk about it and maybe going back for CBT again. 

Good news: I have finally rewritten the first half of my novel to blend with the improved storyline, now I can continue to write the rest of the book. One problem is that I've got 2 endings I really like and I don't know which one to choose! They both revolve around becoming Sarah (the main character's) love interest. But I don't know which one to choose. Her boyfriend before the shit kicks off or the new guy. 

So I'm gonna write both sides and see which one I like best :D 

NX

Gah.

Such a soppy girl today. Miss my boyfriend. He's had two days off and I miss him on his first day back at work xD its harder because he's working until 9pm so its a very long day.

We have such fun when he's off, even the food shopping is funny. It's like taking a child shopping with Ben, he's spinning the trolley around moaning about me looking at shampoo and how bored he is xD have to buy him something to cheer him up xD

Can't wait til his holidays go in xD

Re-opened Anxiety Page.

I closed the anxiety page since I didn't understand the website builder I was using but now they've simplified it and people kept moaning at me to reopen it. I have done. It's back at www.bedhair.co.uk :) :)

GAH.

Got a cold tonight, or something like that. Ben's ill but he got bitten by a horse-fly yesterday and they make you feel shitty, don't think I've been bitten by one as I don't have a bite the size of an egg on my leg like Ben does.

I think mine's just a boring old cold....or the plague...xD

My depression is starting to lift now, after the loss of my Pippin, still can't be arsed to get out of bed most days but I have one or two good days now. The weather here doesn't help, it's a really shit summer thanks to that bloody jet stream! Bugger off and rain on someone else!

Mum and dad have a Patterdale named Chuck, he's a little bleeder. Nothing much like Pippin, but then again, no dog was. He was one of a kind and so is Chuck. He's adorable though, he likes to pull hairs off your arms with his teeth XD Bear loves him, which is good because she doesn't like many male dogs...think she's homosexual XD

Anyway, watched Pandorum tonight on Netflix, which is a really good film. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 1 1/2 star. Don't know what their issue with it but I think they're just bitter. Maybe it's the weather ;)

Also something to watch if you've got Netflix, a series called Survivors. Really enjoying it at the moment, think we're 3-4 episodes in and we can't stop watching!

NX

Grief.

Firstly, I'm sorry for the miserable posts this past few days, but I write what I feel. What I feel now is pain.
When you've had a companion since you were ten and brought him as soon as you moved house, that house becomes empty when he passes away. Even my Bear misses him. She's been looking for him all day.
I find myself happy one minute then devastated the next. Laughing at the funny or naughty things he did and then horribly guilty for putting him to rest. Grief is a horrible thing.
To be honest, I don't know why, if there is a God, that he made us so fragile and then make us conscious of missing someone. Cruel joke I think. Made us too...aware.
I'm sat in bed waiting for my panics to stop so I can sleep, I'm SO tired. My eyes are swollen from tears and my legs are like jelly.
I wanted to visit my dad today and have fun but all my body wants to do is curl up and sleep. Shame my brain doesn't.
It's times like this that I don't understand how religious people believe in an all loving spirit. Why do the innocent suffer and the guilty not?
If there is a god, or many, I think they need to re-evaluate their life plans. Because I see no rewards for good. Heaven better be bloody good and he better be looking after my family.
Especially my Pippin.
N.

RIP, My Pippin.

Never felt such heart wrenching sadness in my life.

I couldn't go in with mum to watch him, I panicked and went outside with dad, Ben went in with her, crying. That kindness is the reason he's my soulmate. There's no one else in the world with a bigger heart than him.

Pip loved him too, even when we thought he couldn't recognize anyone, he always went to Ben. Chased him and tried to bite his foot xD

This sadness is ...there's no word for it.

Pip was my best friend and my little baby. He'll always be remembered as the little Jack Russell who used to bite my feet and lay with when I was sad.

I'm glad hes at peace and no longer suffering. I'll carry that burden until we meet again.

I love you puppy, I always will. You are the best friend I'll ever have. See you soon, love mum xxx

Pip.

Had loads. Finally they've stopped. The feeling is starting to come back in my legs now and I can walk better. Thank God.

People have been so supportive today, its really helped me cope. I'm a nervous wreck but I'm trying to be a strong person. If I can.

He's my best friend, had him 6 weeks after my tenth birthday, which turned out to be his birthday too!

I love Pip more than I can even say. He's my angel. Don't know what I will do without him. He's been there sat on my lap through every heartbreak I've ever had.

Every time I've cried he's come up and not left my side 'til I'm feeling better.

He's everything good in the world and he deserves only the best. The fact he's suffering is killing me inside. I have to strong for him, this is our final favour to him for being the best friend we could ever have.

I love you with all my heart Pip, I always will.