Well we've got another day of snow, I know it's a pain for some but it makes everything absolutely beautiful. Especially on the trees behind the house. I keep meaning to get out there with my camera before it melts but I forget. There's icicles on everything as well, and I may be being immature here but I bloody love icicles xD I put one down the back of Ben's jeans the other day, he wasn't as impressed with it as I was xD
Dad's having a nap and Chuck, his Patterdale is trying to get freaky with my leg thanks to my dog coming into season. Many male dogs have been watching me closely the last few days because of Bear's scent. It's un-nerving XD
Not feeling too badly today, my stomach is still healing nicely and I haven't had a panic attack in....God I can't remember, 4 days? That is astounding to me.
Will update again soon!
NX
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
Monday, 21 January 2013
The British.
People from other countries keep saying that we must be weather hardened from the extremes in weather we have. But it's the complete opposite. We've got a couple of inches of snow at the moment, which didn't surprise me considering its winter. But people are acting like they've never seen it before. They've been stocking up on bread and milk like it's the end of the world xD
Schools and places like that have closed and the Facebook statuses about how chaotic it is make me laugh. I wonder how well we'd do if we had to live in Alaska or anywhere in the North Pole, places where it snows constantly and the temperatures make our -1 look like summer.
Nobody is ever prepared for winter here, which is surprising considering we have one every single year. Every year the news calls it "Britain's Big Freeze". Watch Day After Tomorrow and then you'll see a big freeze! xD
But it's not just winter we moan at it. It's the summer too! It's either too hot or too cold, there's no middle ground with us. I guess the truth is, the British just LOVE to moan xD
I am actually enjoying this snow, it's a nice change from constant rain and it actually feels like winter now. Plus it makes the coming spring and summer really nice. Yeah it's a little more difficult to get around and you really have to help out the elderly but it doesn't last that long so you might as well make the most of it.
Plus there's the added fact that we have two dogs at a year and a half old and they're bloody loving the snow, it's so nice to see. Especially Bear who frolics in it xD And I finally get the chance to use my snow boots, which I bought in preparation for the winter. They are awesome btw.
The only downside to winter is how pale I get. If I get any paler, people will start making the sign of the cross at me when I walk past XD
Schools and places like that have closed and the Facebook statuses about how chaotic it is make me laugh. I wonder how well we'd do if we had to live in Alaska or anywhere in the North Pole, places where it snows constantly and the temperatures make our -1 look like summer.
Nobody is ever prepared for winter here, which is surprising considering we have one every single year. Every year the news calls it "Britain's Big Freeze". Watch Day After Tomorrow and then you'll see a big freeze! xD
But it's not just winter we moan at it. It's the summer too! It's either too hot or too cold, there's no middle ground with us. I guess the truth is, the British just LOVE to moan xD
I am actually enjoying this snow, it's a nice change from constant rain and it actually feels like winter now. Plus it makes the coming spring and summer really nice. Yeah it's a little more difficult to get around and you really have to help out the elderly but it doesn't last that long so you might as well make the most of it.
Plus there's the added fact that we have two dogs at a year and a half old and they're bloody loving the snow, it's so nice to see. Especially Bear who frolics in it xD And I finally get the chance to use my snow boots, which I bought in preparation for the winter. They are awesome btw.
The only downside to winter is how pale I get. If I get any paler, people will start making the sign of the cross at me when I walk past XD
Thursday, 17 January 2013
Grief Update.
So, with my stomach problems getting sorted out and my stomach having the chance to heal, I'm feeling much more positive about things.
It's near enough a month on from my mother dying and the difference in my attitude and feelings is unbelievable.
Obviously it still hurts, it's heart-breaking but my mind is now finally starting to process what's happened. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Mum hasn't phoned in a while." and laugh at myself. It hurts to be reminded that she's not here but it's nice to know I'm still thinking about her. I think I always will be wondering when she's going to phone or come up to the flat because that's what I've been used to for 26 years. It's fine with me. I like missing her, it reminds me just how much she meant to me.
Everyone else is doing okay too, some of the family are having a hard time with forgetting how it happened but I keep trying to tell them not to focus on that any more. Finding out more about why she died isn't going to make a damn bit of difference. It doesn't hurt to learn more about it, just don't go over it twenty times a day trying to look for closure. That's not the place to find it.
The place to find closure is in your heart. You know that she's gone from our physical world but in our hearts and heads, she's going to be with us forever. We all got the chance to say goodbye at the funeral and put her to rest. Closure is also knowing that there isn't one part of what happened that is anyone's fault. No one could stop it and people die of random things every single day. It's part of our life on this planet.
The thing to remember in grief is that you got to spend time with your loved one before they died. You laughed together and cried together, and if your loved one was like my mother, was so embarrassed by something that they said that you wanted to just dig a hole and hide in it! Haha. Every memory you have of that person is now a gift to you from your loved one. Whether it be good or bad.
I spent 26 years knowing my mum and there isn't one part of those times that I would change. She made me who I am today and in that fact, I know she's still with me. She had a great life, full of laughter and I am thankful for that. I hope to make my life as full of happiness as hers was.
Also, if you are grieving too, a blog can really help. Yes it will be very depressing from time to time but who cares? A blog or diary can be good for you, it helps to come to terms with things and sometimes people's comments and advice can be a God-send.
Also remember that whoever and where ever you are, you are not alone.
NX
It's near enough a month on from my mother dying and the difference in my attitude and feelings is unbelievable.
Obviously it still hurts, it's heart-breaking but my mind is now finally starting to process what's happened. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Mum hasn't phoned in a while." and laugh at myself. It hurts to be reminded that she's not here but it's nice to know I'm still thinking about her. I think I always will be wondering when she's going to phone or come up to the flat because that's what I've been used to for 26 years. It's fine with me. I like missing her, it reminds me just how much she meant to me.
Everyone else is doing okay too, some of the family are having a hard time with forgetting how it happened but I keep trying to tell them not to focus on that any more. Finding out more about why she died isn't going to make a damn bit of difference. It doesn't hurt to learn more about it, just don't go over it twenty times a day trying to look for closure. That's not the place to find it.
The place to find closure is in your heart. You know that she's gone from our physical world but in our hearts and heads, she's going to be with us forever. We all got the chance to say goodbye at the funeral and put her to rest. Closure is also knowing that there isn't one part of what happened that is anyone's fault. No one could stop it and people die of random things every single day. It's part of our life on this planet.
The thing to remember in grief is that you got to spend time with your loved one before they died. You laughed together and cried together, and if your loved one was like my mother, was so embarrassed by something that they said that you wanted to just dig a hole and hide in it! Haha. Every memory you have of that person is now a gift to you from your loved one. Whether it be good or bad.
I spent 26 years knowing my mum and there isn't one part of those times that I would change. She made me who I am today and in that fact, I know she's still with me. She had a great life, full of laughter and I am thankful for that. I hope to make my life as full of happiness as hers was.
Also, if you are grieving too, a blog can really help. Yes it will be very depressing from time to time but who cares? A blog or diary can be good for you, it helps to come to terms with things and sometimes people's comments and advice can be a God-send.
Also remember that whoever and where ever you are, you are not alone.
NX
Update on Stomach Problems.
So I went to the doctors last week about my stomach and she told me that it was most likely acid reflux due to the high stress situation I'm in and has prescribed me a months worth of Ranitidine.
Was a bit skeptical that it would work but even the first day I took it, there was a MASSIVE improvement. And another strange outcome from it; I have only had 3 panic attacks in a week...which for me is unbelievable. I used to have more than that every single day!
The pain in my stomach is easing nicely, I have to go back in three weeks to see if it's gone completely or if my anxiety situation needs reviewing since it's obviously that that is causing it.
Actually, I've not only felt better than I have since mum died, but I feel physically and mentally better than I have in months. The stomach pain must have been going on for at least six months because my stomach hasn't felt this calm or painless since the summer of last year. I must have just got used to the pain.
I'm going to mention the amazing effects this medication has had on my health and hopefully there'll be a look into why my stomach reacts this way. Obviously it needs to be dealt with because I think I was very close to getting a stomach ulcer, the pain was excruciating and I really don't want to have to go back to how it felt the past six months or so.
Because I haven't any physical ailments for my brain to focus on, my health anxiety is very low. I haven't thought about aches and pains in the past few days and it's given me more time to think about other things and just cope with the grief without having to cope with panic attacks as well.
I'm assuming that my panic attacks not only have emotional triggers, like going to certain places etc. but physical ones as well, like stomach pain.
I suppose it's true that stress can cause a lot of problems health-wise. I'll never argue that fact again!
For those who haven't heard of Ranitidine, it's basically a tablet you take twice a day that reduces the amount of acid in your stomach that's being produced and it seems to stop it going back up the gullet and up to the throat. It really is amazing stuff and if you have acid problems, I really recommend you give it a try. I've not had this much energy in months.
If I'd have known that it was so simple to get help for it, I would have done it
much sooner!
I'll do a grief update in a seperate post.
NX
Was a bit skeptical that it would work but even the first day I took it, there was a MASSIVE improvement. And another strange outcome from it; I have only had 3 panic attacks in a week...which for me is unbelievable. I used to have more than that every single day!
The pain in my stomach is easing nicely, I have to go back in three weeks to see if it's gone completely or if my anxiety situation needs reviewing since it's obviously that that is causing it.
Actually, I've not only felt better than I have since mum died, but I feel physically and mentally better than I have in months. The stomach pain must have been going on for at least six months because my stomach hasn't felt this calm or painless since the summer of last year. I must have just got used to the pain.
I'm going to mention the amazing effects this medication has had on my health and hopefully there'll be a look into why my stomach reacts this way. Obviously it needs to be dealt with because I think I was very close to getting a stomach ulcer, the pain was excruciating and I really don't want to have to go back to how it felt the past six months or so.
Because I haven't any physical ailments for my brain to focus on, my health anxiety is very low. I haven't thought about aches and pains in the past few days and it's given me more time to think about other things and just cope with the grief without having to cope with panic attacks as well.
I'm assuming that my panic attacks not only have emotional triggers, like going to certain places etc. but physical ones as well, like stomach pain.
I suppose it's true that stress can cause a lot of problems health-wise. I'll never argue that fact again!
For those who haven't heard of Ranitidine, it's basically a tablet you take twice a day that reduces the amount of acid in your stomach that's being produced and it seems to stop it going back up the gullet and up to the throat. It really is amazing stuff and if you have acid problems, I really recommend you give it a try. I've not had this much energy in months.
If I'd have known that it was so simple to get help for it, I would have done it
much sooner!
I'll do a grief update in a seperate post.
NX
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Wednesday :D
...is looking good to start with. Dad's been up with Chuck and he's been shopping, he went out last night to play bingo and stayed out 'til 11! Haha, you know that things are getting better when your father has a more active social life than you do xD
It's really lightened my heart to see him getting on with things, what a strong man! Obviously it still hurts but he's just pushing on, really gives me the strength to do the same thing.
My other dad had to go through the same thing a year or two ago and he's got through it, so I know it can be done. Got some really strong people around me and it makes me feel so much better. I used to think that if I lost a parent I would be a quivering wreck of a person and I wouldn't be able to cope with life but actually it's the opposite, I'm coping okay.
Maybe I've got some hidden confidence that I didn't know about before. Panic attacks are down to one a day from around eight. Which is a very strange feeling, it actually made me panic wondering why I wasn't panicking! haha. Typical Nik logic.
The only downside I've had so far is my stomach. It's been in agony with all the tension and lack of food. I've gone from 10 stone 6 pounds down to 9 stone and 11 pounds. It's bound to have happened and now I've stopped worrying about it. More food is going down and it's slowly getting less painful to eat. I started thinking I'd got something wrong with me but I've fought that, it's bound to hurt when I was anxious for two weeks and not eating.
The first step to my health anxiety worries is going to be coping with the idea of death. Which I'm trying to do, the second is allowing myself to ignore every little pain I get. I don't think that a little muscle twitch every now and again is going to kill me. I need to get over that. I've got a little stomach ache from tensing it up and not eating, I've had it a thousand times before and it's been fine. Sometimes my doctor tells me off for worrying about it XD
OMG, Hugh Jackman just came on the TV, I have to do, I've got some drooling to do :D
NX
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Third Week On.
Hey guys,
in my third week since mum died. It's getting easier, still crying at random intervals but I'm starting to cope with the idea that her body is gone. Part of her spirit is locked safely in my heart and I will never feel alone because of that. She's always here, telling me to eat more and not get drunk. Haha.
My anxiety was horrible last week, gave myself an extremely painful stomach and esophagus from the panicking and then I convinced myself I'd got an ulcer or a rupture....health anxiety sucks arse. Turns out I wasn't eating enough and panicking too much and it was getting sore.
Going to the doctors on Friday to see if they can give me some better anti-acid medication than the expensive crap I've been buying and just to let them know what I'm going through etc. It will be the first time going to the doctors without mum for moral support. But I can handle it. Been through worse haven't I?
Dad is coping well, much better than I expected. He's basically doing the same as me, sleeping a bit, watching some TV and relaxing, like me, he hates going over what happened again and again because there's no point in dwelling. Life goes on and this kind of thing makes you realize just how precious life is. We've got to live it. We'll never forget her, she's my best mate, but there was more to her life than just that last day. That's the stuff to remember.
What I've learned so far:
Grief is shit. It's living Hell but it certainly gives you clarity.
I'm terrified of dying at the moment, thanks to my health anxiety but it's easing every day now. Think my anxiety is coming to terms with things as well and my brain is basically saying to me that worrying about it isn't going to change it, I'm going to die one day, whether I cry about it or not. So I'm choosing not to.
Another thing is that when you're grieving, you do and think some very strange things. All are perfectly normal.
Some of the family have seen mum, some of us have heard her and others are still numbed by it and still can't believe she's gone. I worried about these things for a while but I did some research on grief and all things are perfectly normal.
I think it's your brains way of coming to terms with a mind shock like a close death. So just go with it. Just keep trying to get through each day and not thinking too far into the future and you should be okay. Don't be afraid to talk to people or even a doctor if you're worried, they've probably seen your pain a thousand times over and know that there's nothing to worry about. You aren't going crazy.....unless you are already crazy. xD
As you can tell, my really unfunny sense of humour is coming back, the only people that laugh are my dads but that's because they've got the same sense of humour too xD
Also, just to say, do not be afraid to get some time to yourself. Or even go out and get a bit drunk once in a while, people always say drinking doesn't solve your problems but if you're in a situation like this, any time to let your hair down is a good thing. Just don't do it every single day. Do something you enjoy and if you get the grief guilt, tell it to bugger off. That's what I'm doing.
Oh, I knit now xD that's what I've been doing when I'm nervous, just taking some time out to knit Chuck a toy. It's amazingly theraputic and anything that keeps your mind busy is a good thing.
FarCry 3 is another thing that is helping me, but my wrist hurts from writing and dad's dog is snoring behind me so I'll leave that for another day xD
Take Care guys,
NX
in my third week since mum died. It's getting easier, still crying at random intervals but I'm starting to cope with the idea that her body is gone. Part of her spirit is locked safely in my heart and I will never feel alone because of that. She's always here, telling me to eat more and not get drunk. Haha.
My anxiety was horrible last week, gave myself an extremely painful stomach and esophagus from the panicking and then I convinced myself I'd got an ulcer or a rupture....health anxiety sucks arse. Turns out I wasn't eating enough and panicking too much and it was getting sore.
Going to the doctors on Friday to see if they can give me some better anti-acid medication than the expensive crap I've been buying and just to let them know what I'm going through etc. It will be the first time going to the doctors without mum for moral support. But I can handle it. Been through worse haven't I?
Dad is coping well, much better than I expected. He's basically doing the same as me, sleeping a bit, watching some TV and relaxing, like me, he hates going over what happened again and again because there's no point in dwelling. Life goes on and this kind of thing makes you realize just how precious life is. We've got to live it. We'll never forget her, she's my best mate, but there was more to her life than just that last day. That's the stuff to remember.
What I've learned so far:
Grief is shit. It's living Hell but it certainly gives you clarity.
I'm terrified of dying at the moment, thanks to my health anxiety but it's easing every day now. Think my anxiety is coming to terms with things as well and my brain is basically saying to me that worrying about it isn't going to change it, I'm going to die one day, whether I cry about it or not. So I'm choosing not to.
Another thing is that when you're grieving, you do and think some very strange things. All are perfectly normal.
Some of the family have seen mum, some of us have heard her and others are still numbed by it and still can't believe she's gone. I worried about these things for a while but I did some research on grief and all things are perfectly normal.
I think it's your brains way of coming to terms with a mind shock like a close death. So just go with it. Just keep trying to get through each day and not thinking too far into the future and you should be okay. Don't be afraid to talk to people or even a doctor if you're worried, they've probably seen your pain a thousand times over and know that there's nothing to worry about. You aren't going crazy.....unless you are already crazy. xD
As you can tell, my really unfunny sense of humour is coming back, the only people that laugh are my dads but that's because they've got the same sense of humour too xD
Also, just to say, do not be afraid to get some time to yourself. Or even go out and get a bit drunk once in a while, people always say drinking doesn't solve your problems but if you're in a situation like this, any time to let your hair down is a good thing. Just don't do it every single day. Do something you enjoy and if you get the grief guilt, tell it to bugger off. That's what I'm doing.
Oh, I knit now xD that's what I've been doing when I'm nervous, just taking some time out to knit Chuck a toy. It's amazingly theraputic and anything that keeps your mind busy is a good thing.
FarCry 3 is another thing that is helping me, but my wrist hurts from writing and dad's dog is snoring behind me so I'll leave that for another day xD
Take Care guys,
NX
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