So today, my mother died. There is no way I can say it that will soften the blow because that is exactly what happened and I don't think that when someone you love dies, that you should soften it because it should be hard, someone you love is gone.

She had a spontaneous bleed to the brain and passed away. We were lead to believe last night that it might have been a stroke and that she had a chance, but they were wrong. I'm trying not to hold any animosity towards the hospital but as you know, anger is a part of grief. Deep down I know there is nothing anyone could have done, it's these kind of random acts that make the world such a harsh place sometimes. 

As you can imagine, our grief is in the early stages: the happy moments, the intense tears, the reasoning with it, the denial and everything else that comes with it. It is, literally, Hell itself. I think whoever invented Hell remembered his grief because there is nothing worse I can imagine. 

Most people probably know this but my relationship with my mother was a very close one. We both had very bad anxiety disorders so we went to each other for comfort. Mum always understood what I could and couldn't do and she never questioned it. If I had a limit, she knew it and respected it. She was probably the only person that took it seriously. Since I didn't leave home until I was 25, we spent every day together and most of it. She was my best friend from a very early age, I loved my parents more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. They weren't my birth parents, they were my grand parents but I never questioned that they were my parents. 

Mum was a special woman, she never had a bad thing to say to anyone. Even those she really hated, she still spoke to them and found something good to see in everyone. I learned my forgiveness from her. I got my caringness from her too, we all did. 

One thing that mum had that you can't bottle or fake is a true heart. There was no selfishness in there at all. She never thought about herself first. She spent most of her life worrying about her family, all of the time. She spent more time worrying about us than she did enjoying herself in the end. And she wouldn't know how to be any other way. We've been through so much together, all of us. But mum has seen more of me than anyone else in the world. She's the only person I could tell my deepest fears without her laughing at them. She also made me realise how silly they were, without ever saying so. 

We took each other for granted, all the time, as you do in life. Because there is no part of your mind that ever thinks that you are going to lose the strongest people in your life. Every where I went, she came with me for moral support, even if she was tired. I would tell her to go home and rest and she would tell me to bloody shut up and that she was coming with me. She was selfless. I never realised just how much I needed her. I can't tell you just how much she did for me, even though I may not have noticed it. 

You know, I remember being in the Miner's when I was younger and hearing someone say "She goes everywhere with her. It's weird." When me and mum walked past, and seeing their faces when she realised I heard. I felt embarrassed at the time and I felt like punching her in the face but now I feel sorry for that woman that said it, because she must never have the relationship we had with our mother. Mum wasn't just our mother and protector, she was our friend. That's something very special. 

I didn't think I would be able to go in the hospital ward where she was today, yesterday I couldn't. I saw the machines and my legs gave way. They took me back out of the room. 

Today, I walked towards the room with Michael and my legs started to go, I really thought I wasn't going to be able to do it. Then, as I reached the door, strength just poured into my veins and I sat by her, told her I loved and kissed her hand. They had to carry me back out after that but the point is, I never thought I would ever be that strong. She sent me that strength, I don't care what anyone says, it came from her. She gave it to us all. She always did. 

My dad told me tonight that he lost his better half. That a 46 year relationship can't be forgotten that easily. You know, it's the first time he's ever said that. But then again, they never needed to tell each other that. True love doesn't need to be spoken or acknowledged. He's an amazing man for an amazing woman.

I won't drone on anymore because my wrist is seizing up, I'm getting old. I just wanted to mark my feelings tonight and to say that we have truly lost a star today. No one will ever shine so brightly as my mother and even as I'm writing this, I feel the strength she is giving us. 

I think I'm finaly starting to realise that she was right, I'm not as weak as I think I am and there is one person to thank for that. Our beautiful, forever immortal mother.