Coping.

It's getting easier every day, I've not cried half as much as I did last week. I lost six pounds of weight in total and most of that was the first two days so that's calming down now too. I'm sleeping again and when I think of her, I think of the awesome things she's done or the funny things that happened to us over the years.

She is a constant source of happiness and pride with me, she was an amazing mother and an even better friend.

I will miss her tremendously, for the rest of my life but the pain will stop and I'll be able to think of her without remembering the past week. She had so many awesome moments in her life that I feel we wouldn't be doing her justice if we didn't use those memories instead of the bad ones.

And as for me, I'm coping. We can't say we're living at the moment because it doesn't feel like it, we're just coping. We're looking after each other and sharing the pain. The funeral is next and that's on Wednesday, we'll get to say goodbye to her properly then.

I still feel her around me a lot of the time, most of us do, and little strange things keep happening like my sister losing her keys and my keys gone missing too, that was mum's thing. The other day I swear I smelled her stew in the bedroom, I'd just been saying how good it was. My older sister can smell her perfume sometimes and some tins of beans literally flew out of mum's cupboard at her last week. When I was in the bath, I swear I heard her call my name and at times it's absolutely freezing in the flat, even though the heating says 22.

I never believed in the afterlife much before this but this has made me a believer, her energy is still here and keeping an eye on us, I'm sure of it. It's very strange but even the vicar said you'd be amazed at how many weird things start happening after a loss.

It's nice and comforting so I don't mind, even if I do have to turn the flat upside down looking for my house keys XD

NX

Mum.

I really miss her. I've lost my best friend. She was the only person that phoned me daily just to ask how I am, everyone else was busy with their own things. I saw mum and dad every day, they asked where I was if I missed a day. I'm gonna miss that so much.

Hopefully the family will still be close after this, I'll still see dad every day but I'll never have another conversation with mum about absolutely nothing at all. She'll never tell me not to play the computer without my glasses on again. My mind just can't get around that.

How can she be here one week and the next week, our world has turned upside down and she's gone?

I love you mum, so Fucking much. If I had one with it would be to have you back home with us. <3

So today, my mother died. There is no way I can say it that will soften the blow because that is exactly what happened and I don't think that when someone you love dies, that you should soften it because it should be hard, someone you love is gone.

She had a spontaneous bleed to the brain and passed away. We were lead to believe last night that it might have been a stroke and that she had a chance, but they were wrong. I'm trying not to hold any animosity towards the hospital but as you know, anger is a part of grief. Deep down I know there is nothing anyone could have done, it's these kind of random acts that make the world such a harsh place sometimes. 

As you can imagine, our grief is in the early stages: the happy moments, the intense tears, the reasoning with it, the denial and everything else that comes with it. It is, literally, Hell itself. I think whoever invented Hell remembered his grief because there is nothing worse I can imagine. 

Most people probably know this but my relationship with my mother was a very close one. We both had very bad anxiety disorders so we went to each other for comfort. Mum always understood what I could and couldn't do and she never questioned it. If I had a limit, she knew it and respected it. She was probably the only person that took it seriously. Since I didn't leave home until I was 25, we spent every day together and most of it. She was my best friend from a very early age, I loved my parents more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. They weren't my birth parents, they were my grand parents but I never questioned that they were my parents. 

Mum was a special woman, she never had a bad thing to say to anyone. Even those she really hated, she still spoke to them and found something good to see in everyone. I learned my forgiveness from her. I got my caringness from her too, we all did. 

One thing that mum had that you can't bottle or fake is a true heart. There was no selfishness in there at all. She never thought about herself first. She spent most of her life worrying about her family, all of the time. She spent more time worrying about us than she did enjoying herself in the end. And she wouldn't know how to be any other way. We've been through so much together, all of us. But mum has seen more of me than anyone else in the world. She's the only person I could tell my deepest fears without her laughing at them. She also made me realise how silly they were, without ever saying so. 

We took each other for granted, all the time, as you do in life. Because there is no part of your mind that ever thinks that you are going to lose the strongest people in your life. Every where I went, she came with me for moral support, even if she was tired. I would tell her to go home and rest and she would tell me to bloody shut up and that she was coming with me. She was selfless. I never realised just how much I needed her. I can't tell you just how much she did for me, even though I may not have noticed it. 

You know, I remember being in the Miner's when I was younger and hearing someone say "She goes everywhere with her. It's weird." When me and mum walked past, and seeing their faces when she realised I heard. I felt embarrassed at the time and I felt like punching her in the face but now I feel sorry for that woman that said it, because she must never have the relationship we had with our mother. Mum wasn't just our mother and protector, she was our friend. That's something very special. 

I didn't think I would be able to go in the hospital ward where she was today, yesterday I couldn't. I saw the machines and my legs gave way. They took me back out of the room. 

Today, I walked towards the room with Michael and my legs started to go, I really thought I wasn't going to be able to do it. Then, as I reached the door, strength just poured into my veins and I sat by her, told her I loved and kissed her hand. They had to carry me back out after that but the point is, I never thought I would ever be that strong. She sent me that strength, I don't care what anyone says, it came from her. She gave it to us all. She always did. 

My dad told me tonight that he lost his better half. That a 46 year relationship can't be forgotten that easily. You know, it's the first time he's ever said that. But then again, they never needed to tell each other that. True love doesn't need to be spoken or acknowledged. He's an amazing man for an amazing woman.

I won't drone on anymore because my wrist is seizing up, I'm getting old. I just wanted to mark my feelings tonight and to say that we have truly lost a star today. No one will ever shine so brightly as my mother and even as I'm writing this, I feel the strength she is giving us. 

I think I'm finaly starting to realise that she was right, I'm not as weak as I think I am and there is one person to thank for that. Our beautiful, forever immortal mother. 

So...

I've been thinking; apparently the 21st is supposed to be some kind of spiritual awakening or something along those lines and I've just realised what's going to happen...

The Powers That Be have finally decided to let me shoot fire out of my hands! :D My new name will be PyroNik ...or PyroTechNik ...or something cool that has my name in it. Maybe I'll just go with DovahNiik still, after all, dragons shoot fire :D

BedHair

Updated the main pages of the site with Facebook Comment boxes so people can comment if they wish.

Done a little updating as well to the information, added my new medication info and side-effects etc :)

http://www.bedhair.co.uk/index.html

Dog logic.

Bear is asleep on the sofa....and yes that is her bed next to it >.<

NX

Wednesday Catch Up + Far Cry 3.

So I got double dosed on Amitriptyline from my doctor, she thinks it's Seasonal Affective Disorder and that I just need a little pick me up and I'll be back on track. So far, so good. Since Amitriptyline is a painkiller as well, my neck is absolutely fine...never thought I'd say that again! I haven't need painkillers for it for two days (which is good since they didn't work anyway -_-)

My attitude and anxiety is improving slowly, I'm in a brighter frame of mind and actually not worried about anything at the moment...I know, you're stunned silent aren't you? xD

So here's a few less serious updates on the life of moi.

Firstly, I've added some more scenes to the novel, after my week break from it, I came back with fresh perspective and had some awesome ideas for it. To spice it up a bit. Some advice in my Novel Publishing guide was to treat it like you only get ONE chance to make it the best it can be. And that advice has worked for me so far. It's coming along wonderfully now my block has gone. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I bloody love it. I tried to write two books aged 11 and then again at 14 so I know it's something I've wanted to do for a long time....I just didn't have the patience or knowledge back then.


And lastly, a gaming update. I've been given FarCry 3 as an early Christmas present. Let me start by saying that it is the best game I have played in a long time. I would even go so far as to say it's next to Skyrim as the best games of all time. And I can't choose between them and you know how much I love the Elder Scrolls. That's how much I love it.

It's an open-world game like Skyrim, probably why I love it so much, and you sort of 'level up' in a similar way, and every level you get to pick a skill, or in Skyrim terms; a 'perk'. In Far Cry every perk you pick is awesome. They're fun and make your character a beast of a man. I won't go too much into detail as finding this out for yourself is most of the fun.

Now onto my favourite part of the game (and trust me, there's SOOOOO much about it that I love), which is Vaas. Vaas Montenegro is the villain of the game, you've probably seen him on the adverts for it. He's the guy that says, "Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?" And yes he is as crazy as he looks.

I love him, he's my favourite villain now. He actually has an actor who played him in the game and voiced him etc. and he looks exactly like him, which says a lot about graphics in this day and age! It's astounding.

Now I know you aren't supposed to like the game villain, especially when he shoots your really hot brother in the neck and kills him but he's just awesomely played. He's so crazy that it makes you like him xD

There's a series called Far Cry Experience on Youtube that has Christopher Platz (McLovin' from SuperBad) trying to escape from Vaas (the actor) and being tortured...which is hilarious by the way, give it a look, you'll laugh your socks off xD


Back to the game: The world is beautiful and it's massive, it's located somewhere in the Pacific Islands and you get free run of a MAHOOSIVE island, which is densely populated with not only people who want to kill you, but animals that want to kill you as well. There are good guys, your new friends that help you any way that they can too. But it's the animals that make the game for me.

You have to hunt them if you want to upgrade your rucksack or ammo pouches, health pouches etc. and take their skin. It's horrible to hear but when you're in the game, just getting ready to stealthily attack the enemies, and then a tiger which has been hunting YOU, rips you to pieces, you won't mind the thought of skinning it. Trust me, it happens to me a lot.

Things I've also been attacked by are in order of occurrence: Cassowarys; like ostriches but they are extremely viscous and will stalk you for a LONG TIME. Kamodo Dragons. Also very aggressive and they're bloody sneaky -_- Crocodiles ambush me a lot, when I'm just stood by the river enjoying the beautiful scenery. And THAT is scary ...and sharks. God awful sharks that attack you when you're on your jet ski. *shudders*

That's only a small portion of the wildlife on the game, some are friendly and would rather run than kill you but some are horribly vicious and it's awesomely funny to watch a group of Cassowarys attack an enemy village and massacre every one in it XD Tigers are good for that too, leopards as well.

There really is a LOT going on on the FarCry island and you'll be playing for a long time trying to uncover all of it's secrets, which just makes it more rewarding for me. The hunting side of the game is really rewarding too, especially when you hunt the rarer animals in the game and craft yourself a bigger rucksack so you can carry a lot more valuable loot. It's just awesome.

Right, I need to go feed my hound so I'll leave it for now, probably continuing the Far Cry fangirling a bit later on. Just remember, do NOT underestimate or try to pet the Cassowarys. You will regret it later.

NX