Openreach rant

So, this weekend I’ve noticed an Openreach van outside one of dad’s neighbours houses and they seem to be having a fibre line put in to their house, just like my dad did a few months ago. You’re probably well aware of my dad having a fibre line put in without question (remember that last bit, it’s important in this rant) because I’ve raged about it like ten times since he’s had it done. Why? Because we live in a small village where so far, our regular broadband internet has been limited to 2MBPS and 0.4MBPS upload speed, because no one gives a shit about us and people joke we live in Silent Hill. We’ve invented the wheel finally, what more do you want?

For your information, here is a list of things you can do with that speed of internet:

1. Send an email. Slowly. Might as well send a nobbing carrier pigeon.

2. Watch porn designed on the Commadore 64.

3. Download a font for Windows 95.

Now, in this wonderfully modern age you need at least 3MB internet to even use Netflix, NowTV, Youtube or many other streaming services, never mind in viewable quality, so that kind of service is just balls. Guess what BT charged us for the pleasure of that speed? 27 beautiful English pounds a month. For that. As you can imagine, I raged out. What the fuck can I do with that? Seriously. Think of something I could do with that besides my extensive list. I bet they get better WiFi on the fucking moon.

So, we rang up and tried to sort out getting fibre, which their website told us we could get, but when we spoke to BT on the phone, they were evasive and kept ‘losing’ our notes and complaints. Openreach told us they were coming out to install it at the cabinet and activate our line multiple times and did they? Did they balls. I went out and checked and there wasn’t a single person there - although once there was a dude looking at the box but I think he was taking a piss.

They missed appointments at our house for months on end until finally I raged out again and messaged Dennis Skinner (our MP) and explained the situation. The absolute top-class bloke messaged the head of BT (we know this because the head of BT sent us the transcript LOL) and like magic, our fibre activated and we got 10MB internet but still with the 0.5MP upload.

The Openreach guy that came out actually said to me that every Openreach technician around here hates coming to jobs in the village because of the shitty workmanship on the lines and that it was right in-between two cabinets in nearby towns so speeds were bound to be low. AKA: instead of trying to upgrade them because they own the infrastructure, they just don’t come out for months on end.

Now, I wouldn’t mind actually being able to stream on Twitch or Youtube or even upload a video sometime in the same nobbing day I start uploading it, but I was told that 0.5MB upload is the fastest that is possible to get here in the edge of the universe.

Fast fucking forward one year and my dad leisurely walks up and informs me that Openreach have just come out (he lives down the street from me, DOWN THE STREET) and installed ultrafast fibre broadband to his very house and he’s getting 50MB download and 10MB upload speed for THREE POUND MORE THAN I PAY.

I could feel my arse hurt from the absolute shaft I received the year before from the same company that installed dads without a bloody struggle.

You know what my dad needs a 10MB upload speed for? Uploading videos of him using his superfast fibre and tagging me in them. That’s what. I’m here spending 3 hours uploading a 800mb video of me playing Tomb Raider for my five loyal viewers *waves to them* and my dad has shot to the fucking moon, waving a fucking feather on his fibre speed. The fella is listening to Chinese music on Youtube just because he can. He’s loving life.

So I lost my shit again. Phoned up BT having a waffle and yet again they ‘lost’ my notes and didn’t ring me back. Cue flashbacks to 2000’s Nik trying to get and keep a fucking boyfriend. When we finally got through to them, they had no taffing idea what speed we could get and two days of phone calls trying to figure out why we asked for the best internet available to be given a tossing lump of shit were wasted. Apparently they reckon we could get the higher speeds if Openreach want to do it but we can’t until October because we are contracted for that length of time on this absolute belter of a speed.

Now, I’m a budding streamer that can’t stream. I’m an ‘er’ so really if I want people to watch me game I’m gonna have to drag my PC outside the house and let random passers by have a look. That’s what’s going on.

Now, if you’ve read through this entire thing and you happen to know how to install fibre directly to someone’s house, come and do it at mine. We’ll give you coffee and Ben and Lara are making a cherry pie right now. You can have a bit. Also, if you wanna play Sonic with me you can. Thanks in advance. For the rest of you, this is the reason I can’t live stream.

Openreach and BT, if you are reading this: where my fibre, yo?

 

DovahNiik Plays: Blazing Dragons!

Blazing Dragons (Sega Saturn 1996) is a point and click adventure game starring Flicker the dragon, a lowly servant who wants to win the hand of his secret girlfriend, Princess Flame by becoming a knight. It's very similar in humour to the series Monty Python and has Terry Jones as part of the voice cast, along with Cheech Marin (Cheech and Chong) and Harry Shearer (The Simpsons) as well as absolutely loads of other good voice actors.

I first played this game back when it was released and I was like 8 or 9 years old. I spent 3 days straight trying to figure this out before my mother swapped it for a game that made me less angry *shrug* I have finally found a SS emulator and it was the first game I downloaded when I realised I could.

I'm having a lot more fun this time around, the puzzles are a little obscure but they do have common sense behind them, so they're not that hard to figure out once you get into the swing of what the game dynamics are.

Can't describe how long it took me to get that bloody feather duster from her. Still don't know what it's for. 

It is honestly the most fun point-and-click I've ever played and that's probably why it stuck in my head all these years as a game I must go back and attempt to complete. After all these years I finally figured out how to get the bloody frog away from the pond but I still don't know why I needed to do that, so we'll see. That is a huge part of the game, completing a puzzle because it makes sense, but not knowing what to do with your achievement (it will come in handy much later, usually.) 

A lot of the humour is typically Monty Python style so if you're gonna play this, don't skip over the dialogue. Honestly, it is one of the best parts of it. It reminds me a little of Discworld, but with a little more colour, so if you like that, definitely give this game a go. 

I'm only a few hours in at the moment so I'm not sure what the story turns out as but so far I am loving it. It's a real change of pace from a lot of P&C games these days, I really do think the best ones were from the 80s and 90s! If you're willing to spent all day ruminating over that one bit that you're stuck on or that one item that you just can't combine with the cat or scissors, then give this a go. Let me know what you think! 

NX 

Breaking Bad!

Why I left it this long to watch Breaking Bad, I don't know. Well, actually I do; I have never been that fond of watching drug-related programs or movies as they all tend to be the same, but this is different. Yeah, it's based around two guys cooking meth but it is surprisingly engaging, even for me; the girl who doesn't even know what meth is. Some of its focuses (besides the cooking) are Walt, his cancer, his family, his work, Jesse's issues with his family, Jesse's horrific bad luck every time he leaves the house, Skyler's kleptomaniac sister and her brother-in-law, who is actually a much more interesting character than you first realise, and there's much more to it than even that!

For the past week, we've been watching a few episodes a night and last night we got to Season 2 Episode 6, Peekaboo. Basically, Walt - who is becoming a little bit of a dick IMO - makes Jesse prove himself by finding the drug-addicts who stole from him and getting his money and wares back. But it turns out that the two addicts (that's putting it lightly) have a son and this is the bit that made the whole episode for me. I spent the whole thing bawling my eyes out as Jesse interacts with him as he waits for the boy's parents to return. I should have been in bed early last night but I couldn't tear myself away, it was so gripping. The ending was fantastic and again had me in tears (addict parents are a touchy subject for me) and Jesse well remains on the top of my list of favourite characters, but now for more than his wonderful voice and the fact he's actually quite hot under all those layers of giant clothes. I love his character. 

Walt is obviously a huge favourite since he's so astoundingly portrayed by Gordon Freeman - I mean Bryan Cranston - but I've started to find him selfish and arrogant considering the mess so far is mostly his fault, but I guess that when you're dying, you tend to get a little cranky. I find myself cringing during every interaction he has with his wife; the lies are so weak and even though I know what is actually going on, I do wish Sky would hit him on the head with something every now and again. At this stage in S2 she's very pregnant and I can't remember having the patience she has with him when I was that heavily pregnant. In fact, I'd have been a fantastic drug distributor myself during that period because of my 'take no prisoners' attitude and lack of human empathy. (Joke.) 

Which brings me on my last bit for today - the drug bit. My husband and I are pretty sure that that isn't the real formula for cooking meth because broadcasting it on TV would be pretty unwise (same reason they didn't use the actual Death Cap on Shrooms, I guess) but if it is, then I now know how to make it and if anyone wants to buy it from me, the price is the same as on the show, yo. 

 I'll be back after we've watched the next few episodes and please try to take it easy with the spoilers, though it's been long enough now that it isn't that important. I'm assuming Walt dies, either from the cancer or from pissing off a pregnant lady too much. 

Anyway, have a good one! 

HeisenbergX 

Youtube Videos

As you've probably noticed, I've been posting links to my Youtube account recently. These are for my gaming videos, which I've started doing in my spare time. I've always wanted to stream but with 0.5MB upload speed (thanks BT *rolls eyes*) I can't live stream, so the videos have to do.

So far, I'm doing a run through of Tomb Raider 1996, some of them in my cosplay outfit, although it's a little hot here at the moment and sitting in boots is starting to give me a weird ankle sweat, so maybe I'll do more when it cools down. I'm also doing a play through of Aliens: Colonial Marines as it is one of my favourite games, so heads up if you like that.

Until I get an actual upload speed I'm going to continue doing classic video games but whenever Openreach decide that they actually CAN give me some internet power (as they did my Dad down the street...curiouser and curiouser) then I might start streaming some online games with you guys! I'm not much of an online gamer because of the internet issues so I'm sure watching me destroy myself online would be kind of amusing to witness.

I'm going to go through the entire Core Design Tomb Raider games before I tackle the newer ones so if you're a fan, take a look and if you have any classic game suggestions for me, let me know!

I was thinking of including one of my favourites, that seemed to get overlooked at the time, The Suffering. Interesting game, kind of scary but we like that! ;)

Anyway, hit me up if you have any suggestions!

DovahNiik 
X

Sublime Bronze Fake Tan Review.

An outlet for my rage


I'm going to do something I rarely do; review a cosmetic product. As you may have noticed I am myself a female woman person and as such, I like to prim sometimes. I am also deathly pale (see: Voldemort) and even in the summer I don't really tan on my lower half. Honestly, my body resembles Neapolitan Ice Cream until fucking October, so I buy fake-tan. Usually I buy the cheap and cheerful St Moriz 24 hour fast tan, which you only have to wear for an hour and with me having the patience of a...thing...I love it. Also the tan is nice and brown. It costs like 4.50 pound.

Which leads me into my review for this piece of shit that calls itself L'Oreal Sublime Bronze Elixir. Now, you'll notice a few words like 'innovative' or 'fantastic' or 'bloody awesome best stuff irl' all over the bottle and let me be the first to say that this a the biggest nobbing alternative fact I've ever heard in my life. This shit costs a tenner, which is a bit more than I usually spend on tan because I'm tight-fisted and I'd rather spend it on cheese.

Not Cheese.

It claims to last for two weeks. It claims to have no scent. It claims it gives a golden tan. It claims that it is a superb lover - well, no it doesn't but it would it if could speak because that would be bullshit too. The only thing that it claims that is true is that it does have a nice scent going on; sort of like a posh moisturiser and it also does go on lovely and smooth. If you apply in small circles, it also doesn't streak. You have to apply this shit three days in a row for it to last two weeks, by the way and that is pretty much ALL the info you're given on the back of the bottle. No info on how to apply, when to shower, it's all very shifty. Also, you should draw your attention to the asterisk after the words 'lasts 2 weeks' because it is very important; it says '*instrumental test'. TEST, not tests. Did they only do one?!

Now here's a list of lies that were told to me, a consumer, when I fell for its pretty box and glitter liquid.

Firstly: yes it does have a fake-tan smell after you've showered the first time. You smell like biscuits and curry and secondly: the golden tan is actually ORANGE. As orange as the bloody bottle. You remember when you first starting using fake tan and you bought that cheap non-brand name shit from a drug store? That kind of orange. Even after the first coat. Now it wasn't a huge problem because everyone I know seems to go outside with this level of orange so I felt I'd fit right in and the temptation of not having to apply for two weeks won me over.

After the second coat I felt I was about as orange as I could possibly be without it looking horrific so I applied the third day's coat on the paler, unseen parts of Nik (stomach, arse etc) and it went fine. But it was orange. It stains a little on the hands and feet and knees and this seems to be the only bastarding part of your body that will last anywhere near a week.

I applied it last Tuesday and Wednesday and I'm sat here today, covered in puke because we've got a bug. You know what I'm not covered in? Fucking fake tan. It washed off entirely yesterday. It started to wash off in patches after the first bloody shower I had and I've only had four this week because I wanted to bloody sustain this shit. Didn't work. It's gone.

If you're going to attempt this crap then with each shower you will have to exfoliate because it will come off pretty quickly and in horrible patches. You'll look like a cow or a Dalmatian if you don't. After about four days you might find yourself feeling and looking grimy because of how it comes off and the smell gets a bit gross when you sweat. All in all, I do not recommend this and I'm curious to see what Trading Standards make of its claims TBH. Do not spend a tenner on this nobbing stuff. Unless you want a nice, glass bottle for something but even so, I'd try Poundland first.

If you do manage to make it two weeks with this shit still on, then congratulations! Also do you want to buy 3/4 of a fucking bottle off me because I can't bring myself to use this again. It's giving me rage. Either that or swap for a lovely bottle of St Moriz?

P.S. To St. Moriz I'm so sorry. I got caught off-guard by something pretty with extraordinary promises, please take me back.